Matthew 6:25-27
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, & the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, & yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
I recognize God in moments when I least expect it; more honestly, when he's completely out of mind. This scripture vividly caught me off-guard on Thursday & was brought to my attention again just hours ago. I gave my two weeks notice at my job two Mondays ago; I prayed for several months before the decision was clear, so I was not fearful of the future, but excited. Then, the owner of the company of which I was a part for more than 2.5 years decided to let me go with only a week's notice because he didn't want to pay me while training someone else to join the department. (As you might guess, I'm more than happy to be rid of a place that cares so little for the well-being of people... a customer service center, ironically.)
I've spent the entire week in slacks & pearls trying to hustle my way into the job market, which is foreign to me at this point since I barely remember the bitterness of unemployment. It felt nice to wear jeans again today, but even my own skin feels foreign now; I have let my identity become wrapped up in my worldly status; i.e. manager/ job-holder, student, artist, actress, poet, daughter, friend, sister, so on & so forth. And tonight made me really question myself as a human being. The sad answer: I'm not the person I know God desires for me to be. And no, I'm not as diligent as I know I should be in becoming that person. I listened so intently to God & engaged in his word daily when I was looking for a way out of that job, but the moment job-hunting headed the agenda, I was in DO mode; I'm a doer, I must do. I've been applying like crazy to any place with a door & a sign & a roof in hopes that someone will see how hard-working, loyal, & worthy I am & hire me. But no one has called back, & you know what? They're not going to. Because God isn't looking for how hard I can work- he already knows, & it isn't what he's looking for. I can work myself to death & never see the results I want because it isn't about the results I want & it isn't about how much I can do; it's about how faithful I am in engaging God every day & about how much I trust him to provide for me. Thursday, I stopped by my church, wearing my worn-out slacks & a tired face, & I stood outside, looked at the sky. I looked up at a light post & stared intently at the bird perched atop & listened quietly as God whispered this scripture into my tired, wearied heart. I shed a tear, stared at the bird for a minute more, & silently walked to my car. It isn't about anything I can do for myself, because I can't. I, on my own, am a failure. I, with God, can do anything. I think God is trying to show me in this season that I can't always do for myself. I can't always be the strong woman I want to think I am. I can't always do on my own. Sometimes, I need to accept people's help. Sometimes, I need to seek people's help. But all the time, I need to rely on God & seek him first, knowing that "33all these things will be given to you as well".
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