Pay It Forward

Friday at work, one of my coworkers asked me if I liked apples. I said "yeah, I brought one for lunch today". I wasn't sure where she was going with her question. She then handed me five apples. I was alarmed. I said ".... are you going on vacation or something?" I was hesitant. Then she gave me a bag full of lemons. (This can't be right... oh no. I don't deserve this...) "Are you sure?" She was surprised by my hesitance. I thanked her profusely & timidly accepted her blessings. She asked me later "why you were (she's hispanic) so surprised?" Growing up, I was never given anything, & if I was, it was to make me feel guilty later if my behavior was displeasing. By the time I was 17, I was financially on my own because my stepmother was abusive & neglectful. So, as friends & adults have come into my life & blessed me with things, things I needed even, & love, I've found it hard to accept. I revert to a place of insecurity & fear. But I'm discovering that in the real world, as messed up as it is, people still want to be good to each other. People just want to be loved. Period. So, she listened to my life story, & she was horrified by what I've lived to tell. She told me "You have to realize that you are a beautiful & unique person, & you deserve this." I hope I don't soon forget those words. It's comforting to know that there is goodness in people, right down to their apple cores! My coworker's husband works at a grocery store & instead of keeping the excess for themselves, she brought it to work to bless others; to me she gave five apples, a ton of lemons, dried mango slices, pecans, & pasta (what a feast!). I really want to pay it forward. I'm going to take those apples she gave me & make her & her family a tray of apple cake. But I want to do more, for the world. Somehow. Someway. As a way to say thanks for loving me.

You're beautiful.

This has been one of the STRANGEST months for me spiritually. I've been wrestling with much, much more than I thought I had in me to wrestle, & I've been totally caught off guard. But THROUGH this trial, I'm seeing God at work. For the first several weeks, I felt very alone. I felt ashamed. Like, "dang, God must know how I'm feeling, & I'm sure he's pretty unhappy with me". And that's the thing the devil wants to trick us into: shame. He wants us to separate from God & he'll attack our very souls in order to do so. Look even at Adam & Eve. They hid because they were ashamed that they were naked. But God is stripping me down to be skin & bones where the nitty gritty about me lies, & he says "you're beautiful". No matter what I do or what I feel, God says "you're beautiful". It's hard to swallow. It's a refreshing drink on a hot day that I just haven't been able to choke down because no one has EVER made me feel that way before. No matter where I run, there's no where God won't be. So you, when you are lured into dark places, don't be afraid because your God is there with you in the darkness, guiding you, loving you, protecting you. Do not be afraid. Just walk. And know he is there. Emmanuel: God WITH us.

I can't help it... I'm in love with La Roux.

No weapon formed against me shall remain!

No one wants to talk about spiritual warfare... it's not something we can tangibly see or explain... but we can sense it if we let God move in us. I've noticed that the more committed I've been to moving closer to God lately, be it by ridding my life of clutter, reading scripture, or getting closer to reaching my deep-set goals, the more I have been plagued by things like lust, anger, greed... just all of these destructive things to distract me. The enemy is using all of my weaknesses against me, & after a few crazy weeks of confusion, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. I am reclaiming my soul, my purpose, my perspective. God's perspective.

Do not let the sun go down while you are angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Ephesians 4:26-27

A Classic Case of Amanditis

SO. MUCH. HAPPENING. All good, to be sure, just so much. I love being busy, active, ENGAGED, & this semester promises to provide all of the above & then some!

I'm searching for audition pieces for the festival; I have an excellent partner in my friend Matt, & I'm confident that we'll do a sensational job. We have one of our two pieces picked out & several others we're considering, but I don't know that we've found THE ONE yet. I need to find a monologue, as well, but I can't believe that picking the monologue actually seems EASIER than finding a scene for two. Who knew! Either way, I'm enormously excited & am running at a fine pace to the finish line for submission this Friday.

I am loving my classes thus far & feel God has led me to a very productive place in time; there is much to do, in which much growth will be obtained. Much change.

I've stayed on track with my cleaning & sort of soul renovation; I've gotten rid of bag after bag of papers, cards, & random scraps, & I am hungry yet to declutter my life some more! What else can I give away? I've been donating all of my paper (including the paper from my office) to bins hosted by a company called The Paper Retriever, which allows local organizations to raise funds from the paper recycling, & I AM LOVING IT. People are benefitting from my paper, & I'm benefitting from a breezy space; it's a mutually wonderful arrangement. I've also been eager to find ways to recycle the plastics my city does not accept, as well as styrofoam & cardboard. After a little research, I've found that it's not entirely impossible; to recycle #5 plastics, bring them to any Whole Foods Market or an Aveda salon, which also recycles the plastics to use in their product packaging. However you get rid of it, just feel good knowing that it's being repurposed instead of ending up in a landfill. Also, I've become very passionate about properly disposing of lightbulbs, batteries, & other electronics. Most facilities I've found as of yet actually charge you to recycle your old electronics & bulbs. WHAT?! I'm still in search of a better solution, but I won't give up...

Phew, being passionate is empowering. :) For now, I must get on with the night, as there is MUCH to be done.

For now, enjoy this:

"Save my brother instead."

Could you say the same?
John 15:13
Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

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Spring Cleaning! SPRING CLEANING!

Fantastic! I feel fantastic. I've begun the long hard process of finally letting go. I've got a mean paper-shredder & a lot to shred. I've already filled two Whole Foods paper bags with papers of the past, plus I've got at least another two loads worth coming. I've put all of my clothes on hangers (almost), & I've bagged yet another load to take to a thrift store where my friend works; the store puts all the profits into building a home for women who're coming back into society after being jailed for prostitution... I've never thought about that type of circumstance, but I'm glad my useless clothes & things can go to help someone come alive again. Coming alive... that's what I'm doing. For so long, I've been trapped under the weight of a past I couldn't let go of because I thought I needed it. I thought I needed to hold on to old greeting cards because they were sentimental; the reality is that they've sat in bins in my closet for years, & I rarely crack the lid open to read through them. What to do? Save the ones nearest to your heart, & discard the rest. I thought I needed to hold on to old school papers so I could look back on the information for when I need it; the reality is that I've forgetten I even had the papers, & the information I've saved will never be needed again. You've learned & retained what's relevant; get rid of the rest & move on. I thought I needed to hold on to those clothes because if I could just get back in shape, I could wear them again; the reality is that my body is that of a woman now & for the most part, I am in shape. My "shape" changed & I'm not going to fit into those clothes anymore. Get rid of them. Give them to those without, or donate them for a worthy cause. I thought I needed the neat things I've found on the street because I can make them into projects or use the parts for something or other; the reality is that I've collected so many projects for so long that I have not the space nor the time to work with them, & the massiveness of this reminder grows & literally piles up & spills out of my room. Put it back on the curb where you found it. It WILL make a great project, & while you could do wonders with the wood of a white shutter door, this project is not for you. Not right now. Not this time. Let it go. Others will come around. It's an amazing lesson, & at first it was very painful to part with things because of my psychological & emotional attachments, but the more I get rid of, the more I want to pitch, the more I want to give, the more I want to share & just bid farewell. Letting go is theraputic & spiritually gratifying in ways I've never known. I'm cleaning everything out. This all began as a project to make room for God & to just get hold of some peace, & that's just what I feel coming in to my new-found space. I'm not as concerned about cleaning the junk at night as I am about praying & reading the bible & even just relaxing. It's still very early in the process, so I'm not reading everyday, but I'm at least finding more peace & openness for the spirit to move. I guess the only way I can sum this up is that the more I give up in material, the more I gain in my soul.


Let go. It will be alright.

The Music & the Mirror

I recorded some tracks today with some friends in their studio, which was really neat! I've never heard myself recorded with such fine quality equipment, & it just made me all the more excited. I also went on an audition today, even though I went into it knowing they would find me too tall for the role (they did; I am). But I don't mind. I decided this past year that I'd start going on auditions in order to become comfortable with the process, & I've found oddly enough that I'm actually enjoying it. It's abbreviated performance. I get to do what I love for 16 to 32 bars & 2 minutes. I come alive. Auditions teach me a lot about myself, & give me the chance to grow; now, I feel more prepared for the world altogether. I'm devastatingly excited; so much that my thoughts are so luminous!

Other things I've learned today:
Procrastinating is pointless. Just get it done now.
Don't waste time befriending a guy with a naked woman on his phone.
Don't over-eat: mealtime will repeat.
People just want to be loved.

Her Morning Elegance

I'm relaxed tonight. (Oren Lavie makes the world slow down, seem less important.) So, the semester starts Monday, & I'm actually pretty ready. I registered for my classes just now, & I think I'll really enjoy all of my studies this semester... my final semester toward my general degree. Thereafter, I'm free to do whatever I want, whatever I choose... the whole concept is sort of intriguing me. I'm tickled by the idea that I'm truly embarking on my path & am going places... wonderful places. Blessings for the future! For tonight, relax, & enjoy the beauty & art of life: