Tonight is a blissful night. I'm relaxing with a jar of water in my dimly lit kitchen nook, listening to Zoe Keating's "Optimist" (ironically enough). It is in these moments when I know that my life is good. The summer held nothing I imagined- things far better. I got to build beautiful bonds & share life with people who've sharpened me, which certainly trumps all the plans I had made. I have no idea what my life looks like in the grand scheme of things, but I know, right now, that it's becoming something really good. I feel myself maturing, & forgiving myself more. I forgive others more. I am gentler. I am slower to speak & quicker to listen. I react in love more often than I react with emotion. Isn't it bizarre to truly realize that love is not an emotion, & that life goes on even when all seems lost?
I can't comprehend the good things God has in store. I expect his blessings, though I don't even know what they are. When I was becoming faithful to God, I used to think 'I want whatever God wants... as long as that doesn't mean losing my sight... or my legs...' & so on. I was eager to love God... AS LONG as it didn't mean a huge sacrifice for me. I was willing to put God first... AS LONG as I could still live the life I wanted. I know now that this is not what he's promised me. He hasn't promised that I'll get to keep what I want & forsake what I don't. He's made no such bargain with me. BUT... He has promised to bless me. He has promised to love me. He has promised to keep me always. If he were my lover, wouldn't those be the most romantic vows? Shouldn't I swoon at such words of undying love & passion? I really want to rest in that for a while & let go of my worldly ideas of love & commitment.
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord... "to give you a future & a hope."
-Jeremiah 29:11
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