My friends had a baby today. One of my childhood best friends and his wife who became one of my best friends have produced a child. Other people around have been having babies and buying houses and getting married for years, and I say "good for you!" and send well wishes and go about my life without interruption. Today feels different. Baby Rose is beautiful. She's the perfect combination of both of my friends, and I can tell already that this is the beginning of a new kind of beauty for them both.
I wonder if I want that. I can't decide if I want the life that I long for instinctively. Does that even make sense? I want children and a husband, I suppose. But then I ask myself the hard questions: will these things interrupt my dreams? Derail my progress? Displace my passions? Will I be a good mother? Do I believe in marriage? It's as if I can see two split futures ahead of me, and I have to summon the will to choose just one. Can I be a good performer while being a mother? Do I even think I'd be able to shower a little human creature with motherly love? As a wife, could I be satisfied, or would I always wonder if the next best thing is around the corner? That is why I rarely go beyond a date. It is uncommon that a man comes along who incites in me more than a passing interest, or at least amusement. Is there even someone out there that could be the person with whom I could voluntarily choose to live? Why do we do that? How do we do that? How do we choose one person and say "you're it, for life"?
I guess I have to equate this to what I know of God. I know that God desires fidelity for me within our own relationship. Do we have it? No, not on my end. It's like I come home at the end of a day out in the streets, giving my attention to things other than God with joy and I look him in the eyes and say "I missed you". Did I miss you? Do I mean what I say? I know I love God without hesitation. I know I choose God for life, but am I good at it? I suppose I am learning little by little how to be better at loving him, so I suppose there is some comfort in knowing that with time, my heart can learn to say to one man "you". But where is this guy? Does he even exist? I feel like of all places, I won't find him here. People in this state are not as progressive as the man I desire. I will need a man who is strong in all ways. I can't even definitively put a point to who he must be because, quite simply, I do not know him yet. I know that much. We have not met. Will we meet in New York City? Will I be famous yet, or still emerging? I am constantly thinking that the further into my life I get without him, the more baggage we will each carry. Will all the baggage make it that much harder? Will we be too far gone to know how to love another? Or will the past have equipped us all the more, making it easier for us to love?
And then comes the kid question: do we want some? Do I want to create a human being? Do I want to be the landlord of a fetus that will occupy my space free-of-charge, and leave the place different than when it arrived? Do I want someone in the world who looks like me? Do I want someone to depend on me for the rest of its natural life? I work hard now to keep plants alive, and if the plant isn't doing well, I throw it out and plant something new. You can't do that with a person. And my life at this point is mine to mold. If I want to be out at all hours of the night, I am. I go where I want and do what I want. If I want to get in my car and just drive until I can't drive anymore, I have that option. With a child or with a husband, that doesn't fly. And that is why, at 25, I am happy to be free. I am not quite content because I still bring stupid mistakes upon myself (i.e. I am at a Denny's at 12:49 AM blogging and ordering tea I don't even need to drink because it's better than going home and washing my dishes or cleaning my studio). I am not exactly who I will be when I'm ready to change the answers to these questions, should I ever elect to do so, and that's the beautiful thing: if I have a husband or a mate for life, a family, a house, any of it!... I'll have chosen it freely; not because I feel some obligation to desire and possess these things, because in my observations, it is these things that possess you. Thank God that I have a lifetime to learn how to love him and make better decisions, even if that means my decisions differ from the norm. I am so ecstatic for my friends because their dreams are coming true. They said "I want these things!" and they're getting them, and they're good at them. And I couldn't be happier for them. But that is not my story.
I am Amanda. I am single. I am free. I am growing. And I am loving life without a flock.
No comments:
Post a Comment