One of the hardest moments of your life is when you come face to face
with the ugliness in your own soul. Perhaps even more painful than
seeing the ugliness in others is when you see the ugliness in yourself.
Perhaps because the big reveal showed that you weren't as forgiving as
you wish you were. Perhaps because that moment showed you the depth of
your ability to hate. Perhaps because you remember why you installed the
curtain in the first place: because it not only concealed the ugliness
of others; it concealed your own. It hid that part of you that you can't
acknowledge because you hate it so much.
I am not a forgiving person. I trust too readily, and retreat to silence
and shut people out when that trust is broken. It can never be
repaired. I will never trust that person again. No amount of logical
reasoning can change it. My heart is hard from the pain of being taken
advantage of in the past, and there is no compassion left; just a
calcified, hard fossil of a heart that once loved people deeply.
I find myself in a very dark place and in a bad situation. I can't
imagine how the next two weeks of my life will go by when I remain in
the presence of someone I don't trust. I have searched my heart for
compassion for his situation and find little. That compassion died the
first time someone took advantage of my natural inclination to believe
that all people are good. I no longer believe in the good in all people
and that saddens me. I feel like a human in a world slowly making me
robotic, piece by piece. Day by day, I become a little less human. I am
sorry for the whole situation, but it doesn't change the hurt I feel, it
doesn't erase the deep mistrust I carry, and it doesn't make the next
two weeks bearable. I feel overcome with grief for the entire debacle.
The truth is, some people are just awful human beings. And the hardest
truth is, maybe so am I. I truly want everyone to win. I want everyone
to succeed, to do well, and to be happy. So, going forward, I suppose
all I can do is close the curtain, and cry behind it alone as I try to
chip away the hardened muck from my own soul and hope that the clean,
kind heart that was born in me is buried somewhere underneath it all.
I think the introspective nature of this post speaks volumes though - that's half of the battle - recognizing the changes we wish to make. I have no doubt that you are a kind soul Amanda. No doubt whatsoever.
ReplyDeleteThank you for seeing the things in me that I know are good. I feel like I'm being mindfucked.
DeleteI know I am a good person, but when bad people bring out the ugliness in you, it's painful to see all of that exposed.
ReplyDeleteI've been conned before by a dishonest subletter, so having it happen to me again is unbelievable. This guy fooled my roommate with his charm, and now he's here, being a complete liar, for the next two weeks. I've gotta get out of here.
ReplyDelete