A Season in New York

A foreword: I will not be editing this (stream of consciousness)...

I find myself in a strange and wonderful season of my life, and I'm referring to more than my first winter living in New York. :) I haven't written in many months because I've simply been living in the moments, good and bad. Here's a little of what I'm experiencing right now, what I'm looking forward to experiencing, and a little of what I've been through.

I am stuck in a lease with a couple (if you've never lived with a couple, BLESS YOU, IT'S ROUGH) that, while they're decent enough human beings, they are not my kind of people. They have turned out to be much less the people they said they were and have fallen into the couple rut of segregating their things in the apartment, not pulling their weight with cleaning, being standoffish, etc. I've been through this twice before, so SHAME ON ME for not trusting my instincts and forgoing a lease with them. Sometimes we have to learn lessons the hard way. Nonetheless, I am grateful to live in a beautiful apartment in New York City with my buddy Greg, who, though he is a total slobby rascal, is a good guy and altogether pleasant to live with 99% of the time. And we both love beer, so that works out. Overall, this hasn't been my ideal living situation, but May is coming up, and then Greg and I can go our separate ways or find a place together in an awesome Manhattan neighborhood (COME ON, UNION SQUARE, CHELSEA, EAST VILLAGE!).

I have not been auditioning much, I'm sad to say, but the frustration I feel with myself over this fact is fueling a fire. I left my loved ones for a reason, and I WILL NOT REST until I have the success I've always wanted. I'm finding that this will mean sacrificing everything. It means fewer creature comforts for artistic necessities. It means saying no to my wants if they don't serve my purpose. It means working hard when I'm tired. It means pounding on my craft every single day. And I'm at a point where I'm ready, willing, and able to do that.

I've been so looking forward to this December, when I fly home to my loved ones for a week! And it's fast approaching. My only regret is that as soon as it's here, it's so quickly gone. I will savor every moment, every laugh, every meal, every embrace. I have such high anticipation to see my nieces and nephew. I have found myself in a scrooge-y nature towards children for so many years. I could spend all day talking about why I don't care for kids, but lately, I could spend more time talking about the ways kids are so awesome. So many wonderful kids have found their ways into my heart and changed me. I still don't see myself wanting to be a mother because I know my life will not be fair to a child who deserves my love and attention, but I can certainly appreciate the kids I meet. Today was my first trip to the MOMA, and it was remarkable. One moment that will stay with me was in the Picasso corner of one of the galleries. I was appreciating a piece and turned around to see a little girl of maybe 9 sketching the painting into her sketch book. I must say, considering the cubist nature of the piece "Bather with Beach Ball", she was doing a fantastic job. She was so focused, so intent, and so INTERESTED in the works she saw. It excited me because kids, if we let them, are so smart, funny, clever, and happy. If we let them, if we NURTURE them, kids become great adults, and we all are better off. Today on the train, I offered my chair to an elderly man who was standing, and the look of shock and appreciation on his face was shocking to me. How many trains has he ridden with not one person giving him a seat? What happened to the world that we all became so self-involved, so selfish, that we forgot to take care of those who took care of us? I worry for the future sometimes, but for the wonderful friends in my life raising their children with love, compassion, and patience, THANK YOU (from me and from all of us in the future).

I've been working a lot, which is good and bad. It's good because it's helping me to pay the bills, but the more I work, the less time I have to work on my goals. I have more "free" time now than I have ever had in my entire life (full time jobs and full time school be damned!), but the more "free" my time is, the more I feel robbed when I waste it. So I am trying to find a happy balance between making my bread and making my dreams realities. History has shown me that I CANNOT FAIL! I have achieved every goal, no matter how wild, I've ever made, so I know that I must continue to dream big dreams and reach for those stars every day.

One of my biggest goals has been to get in shape. I didn't work out at all for over 6 months after the car accident, so that took a toll on my health in several ways. Not only do I have permanent neck and back pain, but I became physically weak. I became emotionally unsound, and in all ways, I suffered. As easy as it was and is to be angry, it doesn't serve me. So every day is a practice of forgiveness. I have to acknowledge the reality of what's happened, but I don't have to accept it. I don't have to take it. Thanks to the encouragement and coaching from my awesome roomie Greg, I enrolled at a gym, and I go! Often! I work out at least two days a week, sometimes 4 days a week, and it strengthens my body and my spirit. I work on my biceps a lot (I have always had twiggy limbs), and I'm finally starting to see results. I am able to do two pull-ups in a row. Prior to October, I had only done one pull-up in my life, and that was in 4th grade when I weighed 62 pounds. I am now an adult woman, able to support my own weight, able to move beyond obstacles, move beyond fear, move beyond hatred. Yes, my body will experience pain forever, and there's nothing I can do to make that untrue. But what I can do is fight like hell for justice, forgive every day, and move forward.

I've also embarked on a new dietary journey: veganism. I have flirted with veganism for the past 8 years I've been a vegetarian, going vegan for a week or two at a time. Finally, something has stuck with me. Wanting my body to heal itself and wanting to be good to the animals of the earth has finally given me the momentum I needed to commit to this way of life. It's been hard from time to time because I have found myself in places with limited to no vegan options (I'm looking at you, Mexico City!), but I don't throw in the towel because of a few slips. I just pick up where I left off and move forward.

I guess that's the moral of my entire season: move forward. I have never been the most beautiful, the most kind, the most fit, the most anything. But what I am finding is, the more I LOVE and TRUST myself and my choices, I am becoming the best ME I have ever been. And that is the best gift I've ever given myself. I'm so grateful for the lessons I've learned, and the progress I've made. I can only hope that the future holds more happiness and good health than I can contain so that I can share those blessings with others. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.