So much can be said of the almost-relationship I was in for the past several months. Where to even begin...
I don't think I can. This one hurts. After a year of emotional turmoil, he was the person who made me feel safe, like I was ok. Like the terrible things men have done to me in the past year weren't deserved, and would never be repeated. So much of what made this relationship so hard was the hesitation on my part. There's a lot he needs to work through, and so much I'm unsure of for my part. To be with him would mean risk, and after a year of taking a risk on a man who utterly ruined me and the subsequent year of picking up the pieces, making hasty decisions and taking huge risks in love has been beaten out of my nature. I trust men less with each blow to my affection. I believe men less when they tell me they love me or admire me or whatever it is they feel. I believe them less. Because time and time again, it's been proven to me that men will always find a way to move on without me.
I feel heartbroken. Not just that another love didn't happen, but that so much of it was right and good, but that neither of us has been in a place where that love has been possible. So now let's be friends. Friends? I don't know how to be your friend right now. Let's make music? I can't now. In depth Star Wars discussions, Game of Thrones, all things I am abandoning now because they were things I shared with you and can't any longer. How you can go from being intimate to just being friends and be ok with it is beyond me. How you can love me romantically and suddenly love me only platonically is a mystery. We said we'd be friends if nothing else, but I guess that was before I knew what that would mean.
This hurts in so many ways I can't even articulate yet. Sitting on your couch staring not off into space, but into the pit of my own fears and regrets was the longest stretch of uncomfortable silence I've ever spent with another human being. I kept waiting for you to say "let's call it a night" so I could call a car to take me and my sadness away from this conversation. We hugged and I cried and said Merry Christmas as I left with my bruised ego and bloodless heart.
What is it about letting go that is so hard? Is it because this was supposed to blossom into a great love? Were you supposed to be the one, but I was too afraid to take steps and take risks to let you closer? Were you too emotionally unavailable even though you loved me? Is this it? Is this the end of us? I genuinely don't know how to be your friend. Not right now. And what's scary about that is that we have become such huge parts of each others' lives that being without each other will feel not only empty, but wrong. No more calls, no more texts, no more holding hands, no more Broadway shows, no more ridiculous moments of laughter that we've enjoyed so much. I am a great friend, but to you, I fear I don't know how to be. Because in the back of my mind, I'll always remember you as my lover, as my companion, as my mate.
This hurts.
Merry Christmas from my weary, regretful heart.
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