It's Normal Not to Forget Your First Love.

Wow. My thoughts are rampant tonight. I can't even sort through it all right now, but I have to get it out. I'm not sure I'm going to finish school. I love nutrition more than most things, but when I look down the road, years from now, is it still going to make me happy? It might, for a while. But then the magic of it will wear off. When it isn't new anymore. When it isn't exciting & different &... beautiful. One of my roommates has had conversations with me about my time management (or lack thereof) & she's told me that God has been urging her for weeks to tell me to pray about my priorities. I put my hands in so many things, & for a long time, I've been running on empty. There's just not enough time in a day for me. And life isn't supposed to be like that, you know. We're not supposed to all walk around in a huff & take out our stress on others because we can't get our ducks in a row. She's told me to pray about it, but I've prayed about everything but my priorities. I'm scared. I started looking into nutrition programs in Florida, & the only schools offering my program are hours away from Orlando & in cities I just don't like. And I understand that it would only be for two years, but... that's two years that I can't get back. Two years of being somewhere I don't want to be, doing something I only maybe want to do. Now why does that seem wrong?

In one of our many conversations, my roommate asked me about my priorities. I told her about the things I've put first, & then told her of the way I feel when I'm not performing. She said I looked miserable. And you know what? She's right. I'm not whole when I'm not entertaining. That sounds insignificant to anyone who doesn't have the call for it, but for me, this is life. Which makes me nervous because I've put it off for so long. I'll always come back, but then I reason with myself to be practical, get a real job, go to school, study something legitimate. Both of my parents have two master's degrees to each of their names, & I'm intelligent. I have the capacity to be brilliant, & I know I could change & even save lives with nutrition... but at the sacrifice of my own?

Oh, this hurts. I can't believe I've been putting this away. When my friend laid it out to me tonight, she told me that I'm one of two people she's ever met in real life with raw natural talent; this isn't the first time I've heard this, but it's the first time it's really hurt to know that I've raped my talent.

So what does this mean? Where do I even start? You know? I've seen a lot of talented people have a lot of trouble breaking into the business, but has God made a different way for me? Am I unique? Am I going to make it?

And then there's the matter of things in my personal life that have gotten stirred up. But that's a whole other topic, & this blog is already really long. But this isn't for you, really. It's for me. It's a confirmation that I have no choice but to pursue what I love. Whatever that may be.