Not us, but me.

Today has been surprisingly beautiful.
I have worked both of my jobs, one right after the other, for weeks, and have not had much waking time to rest. So today, I did not do anything I didn't feel like doing- that was the rule. Nothing specific was on the agenda, leaving the day open for all kinds of possibilities.

I went to the farmer's market, where I bought more beautiful goodies from Amir, for instance... 4 bottles of his moringa tea. Oy, it's so good for the body and soul! I spent a couple hours hanging out with my friend John Pepe at his soap stand and talked with his friend Matthew. We joked, told stories (John's story about meeting Ryan Gosling was hilarious), and sweated out half our body weight in sweltering 106 heat index temperatures. After Matthew left, John and I talked about my trouble letting go (this conversation inevitably came up after my ex passed by in his stupid boat shoes eating a popsicle). For the past few months, I've found it hard to let go of things, little things in my every day that piss me off... traffic, new neighbors parking outside my window, rude customers at the pottery studio, you name it. It's exhausting to get so angry. It's heavy to carry the past and all its troubles and unkind people. Dead weight on my shoulders literally weighing me down. So how do I move on? How do I find some quiet space that's just mine when I'm so busy?

I guess I'll have to make the time and learn to stop counting the times I've been hurt or been wronged. I've spent the past year dating, at various times being a girlfriend to one person or another, which taught me a lot (about myself and the human condition) and changed me in many ways. Plus, I've been working two jobs, going to school full time, working full time in the comedy troupe with rehearsals happening a couple days a week on top of shows every few months. Some of these time-sucks have been removed, but I still keep them on my watch, still count the seconds from when one thing ends to when the next new thing comes along. This is a wake-up call... to remove the distractions, and to stop looking for new ones. This is no longer the point in life where I want to fill my time with things to keep me from thinking about the things I don't want to think about; this is the time to unpack the past and move forward. A time to reset the clock and only count what really matters.

I'm going to finish the projects at hand. Right now. I have no time to lose. I've enlisted the help of a trusted friend to keep me accountable, and thankfully, he has. After my conversation with John Pepe, I came home and began feverishly working on my craft. I have not stopped. Even at this moment, multiple windows are open in my browser for research, inspiration, study, curiosity into the world of my art. I am doing this- the process has begun.

I know this post is vague, but I owe it to myself to not talk about it, but to BE about it. My friend Carissa once said that to me, and I take that to heart now as I forge ahead, surely shedding the skins of my old self and finding beautiful, shiny, happy newness underneath, unmasked finally from the identities I've found in my (in)significant others.