Not us, but me.

Today has been surprisingly beautiful.
I have worked both of my jobs, one right after the other, for weeks, and have not had much waking time to rest. So today, I did not do anything I didn't feel like doing- that was the rule. Nothing specific was on the agenda, leaving the day open for all kinds of possibilities.

I went to the farmer's market, where I bought more beautiful goodies from Amir, for instance... 4 bottles of his moringa tea. Oy, it's so good for the body and soul! I spent a couple hours hanging out with my friend John Pepe at his soap stand and talked with his friend Matthew. We joked, told stories (John's story about meeting Ryan Gosling was hilarious), and sweated out half our body weight in sweltering 106 heat index temperatures. After Matthew left, John and I talked about my trouble letting go (this conversation inevitably came up after my ex passed by in his stupid boat shoes eating a popsicle). For the past few months, I've found it hard to let go of things, little things in my every day that piss me off... traffic, new neighbors parking outside my window, rude customers at the pottery studio, you name it. It's exhausting to get so angry. It's heavy to carry the past and all its troubles and unkind people. Dead weight on my shoulders literally weighing me down. So how do I move on? How do I find some quiet space that's just mine when I'm so busy?

I guess I'll have to make the time and learn to stop counting the times I've been hurt or been wronged. I've spent the past year dating, at various times being a girlfriend to one person or another, which taught me a lot (about myself and the human condition) and changed me in many ways. Plus, I've been working two jobs, going to school full time, working full time in the comedy troupe with rehearsals happening a couple days a week on top of shows every few months. Some of these time-sucks have been removed, but I still keep them on my watch, still count the seconds from when one thing ends to when the next new thing comes along. This is a wake-up call... to remove the distractions, and to stop looking for new ones. This is no longer the point in life where I want to fill my time with things to keep me from thinking about the things I don't want to think about; this is the time to unpack the past and move forward. A time to reset the clock and only count what really matters.

I'm going to finish the projects at hand. Right now. I have no time to lose. I've enlisted the help of a trusted friend to keep me accountable, and thankfully, he has. After my conversation with John Pepe, I came home and began feverishly working on my craft. I have not stopped. Even at this moment, multiple windows are open in my browser for research, inspiration, study, curiosity into the world of my art. I am doing this- the process has begun.

I know this post is vague, but I owe it to myself to not talk about it, but to BE about it. My friend Carissa once said that to me, and I take that to heart now as I forge ahead, surely shedding the skins of my old self and finding beautiful, shiny, happy newness underneath, unmasked finally from the identities I've found in my (in)significant others.

It is my hope that you'll love yourself.

I posted this blurb in response to an article on LearnVest.com, written by Amanda Chatel entitled "How I Do Paris on the Cheap". The writer traveled to Paris on a whim to move on from a break-up, and this was my two cents:

This article is perfect. I am writing this response from my hotel in Ireland, where I came on holiday after breaking up with a guy and choosing Ireland on a whim. I am traveling solo in all ways, and am even driving myself through the country seeing life-changing sights and challenging myself. Do what you're afraid of, if even just to prove to yourself that you can. Stand on cliffs, brave the winds and weather of a new climate. Be uncomfortable. Find comfort in adventure. And if you're nursing a broken heart, go somewhere new, meet new people, be unsure of everything and you will find so much of yourself in seeming unfamiliarity.
-Amanda

It is so reassuring that I'm not the only one who acts intuitively, but why do so many of us have to hurt? I know men hurt, too, but lately, it has been impossible to ignore all of the women in my world nursing broken hearts, feeling down about themselves, sometimes even verbally affirming that they have no worth or making crude comments about their beauty or lack thereof. WHEN DID THIS BECOME THE NORM?

Women have always been bombarded with propaganda to convince us that we're simply not good enough as we are, on our own, etc. Once a single woman hits her late 20s and early 30s, it suddenly becomes priority for those around her, a mission, to find her a mate. It's simply frowned upon for a woman to be single, wasting her precious time and precious eggs on years devoted to a career that won't cuddle her at night and provide stability. FUCK THIS, this whole demented mentality. I do not, have not, and would not define my worth based on my marital status. I have never depended on a man for anything, let alone my own self-worth, and I find it sad that in some ways, this has probably limited my success with relationships. I had an ex who told me it offended him the first couple times we went out that I insisted on paying for myself. The fact that I work three jobs and take pride in being able to make my own way in the world offends a man who feels it is his institutional duty to provide a cup of coffee or a glass of wine for me? WHAT?!

And for the matter of women afraid to be seen without make-up? I go out into the world without make-up frequently. I would even say almost always. Wearing make-up has, for so many women (myself included at points in my life), become a crutch. We become embarrassed to be seen without it because we're afraid of how we'll be viewed. We're afraid to be less beautiful than the women painted up and catching the eyes of men. If you won't like me without make-up, you won't like me any more with it. Throughout my years on stage, the idea of image has become permanently encoded in my DNA. I understand its value and its detriment; I, however, do not let it stop me from being who I am with or without my best face forward. Without make-up, I am still charming, I am still smart, I am still funny, I am still talented, and believe it or not, I have come to find out that without make-up, I am still desirable. There is nothing any cosmetic can offer me that I can't and must first cultivate within myself.

I am who I am because of my experiences, my determination, my passions, my ambition, my sense of humor. I love myself for myself, as I am. Like anyone, there are days when I feel less than beautiful and moments certainly when mascara makes me look more like I'm part of the living world, but I don't rely on it to give me personality, confidence, or a fighting chance at wrangling a man if I so desired.

So how do we move on from a place of insecurity and fear? It starts with an understanding of who you are and your deep-seated qualities. What is your value? What do you like about yourself? Who are you AS yourself? Again, not to be confused with "I'm a mother, I'm a wife, I'm a girlfriend, etc.". Those are not identities. Those are roles you play that require the role of others to define you. WHO ARE YOU? I am an artist. I am a performer. I am a poet. I don't need to be anything but what I am. Make-up can't make me who I am. I can only use make-up to enhance the projection of who I am, not who I am in general. I can express my personality through make-up; not create a new personality. This is a prompt for you to explore the difference.

It breaks my heart that a friend at work, who is so beautiful and funny and a pleasure to be around, sees herself as overweight and accessory to unworthy men. I cannot hear any more women put themselves down. We cannot accept the attention of others who do not respect us because we're desirous of the attention. THE RIGHT PERSON WILL MAKE YOU A PRIORITY. The right person will respect you above all else. The right person will compliment you- regularly. The right person will not say hurtful things to you. The right person will appreciate you. For all that you are; if not, the right person will be willing to learn.

So, let this long and wordy post remind you that you have, at all times, the option to love yourself more than anyone else ever has and treat yourself with the respect you deserve. Do things you enjoy. If you are not around people who love and appreciate you, find new people. If you are not happy with yourself as you are, explore who you are RIGHT NOW (not who you were or who you want to be) and find ways to love THIS person. You are all that you have, so if you don't love you to the ends of the earth, who will?