14

Fourteen is a conversation with my ex after the first time we'd slept together. We were not a couple, and given his age and my pretty painful past year with men, I was very hesitant to take that chance. I wanted to send him this conversation we had via text, to congratulate him on his exceptional ability to be exactly the person he said he was not. I guess he's a pretty good actor after all. Instead, I'll immortalize it here, with parenthetical commentary.


Me: I guess the way I'd explain myself for where I'm at is that the past year gave me some baggage with men, and while it's small - carry-on size baggage- what's inside is a heavy reminder that men love me while it's exciting and then they'll leave. So then I take something from that trip and put it in my little suitcase and continue to carry around more and more tokens to remind me that I shouldn't get too involved, shouldn't take too big of a risk because it's only going to lead to me being stranded with baggage.

Him: I'll always be candid and honest with you (LIE)- I don't want to hurt you. And I can't see the future... I've never been in anything longer than 6 months. I've always knew (GRAMMAR?) there are two end results with relationships. Spending the rest of your life with someone, or not. And I've always opted for not when I thought there was potential elsewhere to put my time and energy into (A RED FLAG- WHY DID IGNORE IT?). And the reality that things fade and go away is very real... I guess I've never stuck around long enough to see whether that's an end result for anyone I've been intimate with (THEN LIKE SISYPHUS, YOU ARE ETERNALLY DAMNED TO START OVER, BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO FINISH WHAT YOU START). But again, I believe the fact that we're on the same page for a lot of things will help- if anything changes, let's just promise to keep an open dialogue (TOO BAD YOU WERE TOO MUCH OF A COWARD TO HONOR THIS PART) and open heart to any changes... This is where we're at now and I'm really enjoying it- I see our friendship (DUE TO MY STATED RESERVATIONS, WE WERE NOT YET A COUPLE) going through years and years of adaptation (TOO BAD YOU RUINED ANY CHANCE OF THAT). There's a risk with everything.. And I think it's a mutual risk- I'm pretty open to risk- probably because I'm young (AND DUMB).. But it still hurts. I'm more excited about the journey if anything. :) and definitely enjoying where we are now. I don't want to think too too much about the future (THEN DON'T DATE A WOMAN WHO IS BUILDING HERS?)- though it's something I tend to do :/ but the last thing I plan on doing is weighing you down or leaving you with more baggage (LIE). I'll help you carry your heavy carry-on when I can :) (UNTIL YOU GET TOO TIRED OR REALIZE THAT IT REQUIRES YOUR TIME). And I plan to be here when and if we decide to cash in all our overdue tokens.