Things are well with me this week. I wish I could say the same for the rest of the world. Every day, we read about some new terror in the news, whether it's too close to home, or it's across the seas, someone somewhere is suffering at the hands of someone filled with hate, and it begins to feel like a lost cause. From our stalled legislation here in the states and our over-dependence on our media and government to take care of us and our blind trust that they have our best interest at heart, to the crumbling global relations that are leaving us all spinning and in pain. On a deeply spiritual level, I am devastated. I constantly find myself in debates regarding the moral and ethical responsibilities of caring for other people, animals, our planet, and our finances. It's exhausting. I am a part of the world, no matter how unlikely, and I feel an obligation to remain engaged. I often find that people in direct opposition to me don't stick around. When I believe in something, I am relentless in my pursuit of its realization. I consider that a strength, but for many, that presents itself as a challenge. The hard truth is, though, that in my spirit, I cannot be well unless I know I am working toward the fruit of peace that the world needs, and if that separates me from people who rebuke my efforts, it is not to be helped. We do not affect change by becoming small, being quiet, or doing nothing so as not to make waves. I WANT TO MAKE WAVES.
As for waves, that seems to be the law of the universe: the ebb and flow. I feel the tides turning, drawing strength from the ocean within me, to build toward something massive. I am meeting people every day on the streets of New York, and I am losing the fear of reaching out. Last year, what with all that I went through, reaching out and opening up to new people became terrifying. The truth is that the bad come in with the good, and the bad caused much damage to my progress in 2015. The great takeaway from that time of pain is that my filtering process has become mesh-fine. I no longer keep association with people who don't deserve to share my energy. I ran into a former friend today leaving a casting call. She got out of the elevator at the casting office as I was getting in. We had to acknowledge each other. This was especially uncomfortable because a week ago, she sent me a message via my professional website to try to make amends. She asked if I received it, and I admitted that I had, but that I didn't feel ready to respond. This was someone I considered a best friend, someone I loved deeply and loyally, and in the face of a mutual friend's abuse, she failed to stand by me. She failed to do what was right, and I consider that a mortal offense. In my life, I am a Stark type. Yes, Stark as in House Stark of Game of Thrones. The Starks are good, moral people, and that morality and dignity has cost them dearly. I take the moral high road almost exclusively so that I can look myself in the mirror each day. The wonderful thing about the surviving Starks, however, is that they are also incredibly smart and adaptive. They learn to choose their allies more carefully, while still maintaining their sense of what's right, and choosing it. All that said, I can make peace with someone who has chosen poorly, but "the North remembers". I cannot forget a person's offenses, even if I can forgive. And forgiving her might mean making amends, but it also might now. What has resulted from seeing her today is a desire to respond, a need to say my final words before a decision is made. I need her to know what it felt like to be betrayed, and that I will never tolerate it again. Not ever.
I want to be a person capable of forgiving, just because without it, I don't know how to stay light. I am making an effort to spend time solely with people who make me feel good and reciprocate positive energy when we are together. This extends to friends, potential love interests, artists, and business partners. I no longer have the time to tolerate energy vampires. I want to be better about giving my good energy to those around me. New York City is a hard place to live, and many of its people are hardened as a result. Don't waste my time! Get out of my way! You bumped into me, you son of a bitch! Etc. I am an aggressive person by nature (possibly more nurture, but since my life changed drastically at a young age, it's hard to tell which is more likely; nevertheless). But so much more of my person is made of love than I know with what to do. I want to love more, even if my love is aggressive. I am making a concentrated effort to continue to unfold myself like an onion, petal by petal, to give more and open myself to receiving more. I realized how necessary this is when my roommates and I started feuding a month or so ago. I shut down and go into myself when I am dealing with things: heavy feelings of being disrespected or being hurt, or sadness. And I do this to process and to protect myself. I know this, and to some degree, I regret this. I regret that this tendency keeps me closed off to the possibility of letting people who are good, even if we have differences, from getting close to me. My roommates can drive me so nuts sometimes, as I know I can them, but all in all, they're kind young women, and I think we can continue to learn a lot about ourselves living together, and I'd like to stay vulnerable to that. It is my goal to be a more open person. It is my task to work on this daily.
And love. Where is love? I had a deep sadness last night when I got home late from an awesome day, and I heard the front door open. I had thought all my roommates were home (I was mistaken), and the jangling of keys in the door locks reminded me of the times my former boyfriend would come over and stay the night. It reminded me of what it felt like to have not only a place, but a person, who personified home. I want to build a life with someone. I want to be committed to someone. It has seemed very hard to find that here, to find a sense of permanence with a partner, and that's what I really want. I have never been one to move from relationship to relationship, but this city seems to live and die by this model. Among all of this fast living, can I find a man who wants what I want? I can't be anything less than I am, and I know the strength of my character alone limits my potential partners. Who can keep up with me? Who is up to the task of loving, being committed, being honest, being honorable, being silly, and being just as passionate about people and things as I am? Am I dreaming to believe anyone is made for this? I have some interests currently, and I have hope that this could turn into true potential. And while inside, all I can say is "LET'S FUCKING DO THIS!!!!", I'm allowing myself to move through this phase slowly. I want to be sure before I jump into anything again. I can't fall in love with another man who will love me quickly and then fade when the new relationship energy has waned. I deserve permanence. I am ready for it. And I will not stick around trying to revive a flash in the pan love ever again.
So, here is where I am, thriving tonight on positive energy, grateful for and looking to invest in good friendships, and buzzing with excitement for new and glorious things. To all this, I say "YES".
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