Scattered Thoughts from a Lovelorn Heart

I don't know how to justify what I'm feeling. I've just been contacted by a third person within the past 4 months alone whom I removed from my life having proven toxic to my well being, and I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed that people can so easily hurt me and then try to come back in. You don't get to tear me apart and then come back with packing tape. It doesn't work that way.

At the same time, I know I am not without flaw and fault. I have caused wounds in many of my past relationships and friendships, and I've had to make amends for them. Some friendships resumed, being better for the wear, and others, while forgiven, did not continue. I respect that. If I have been wrong, I have done my best to apologize and to change my behavior to cease the hurtful action. I have usually succeeded in my efforts, and I am grateful to the friends and loved ones who've been gracious enough to give me second chances.

And maybe that's what these attempts to reach out to me are; attempts to make amends, if nothing else. Two of these contacts are former loves, and one a former friend. Would I open myself to friendships with these men? Do they deserve it? Would it be healthy for me or detrimental? I can't say either sought to hurt me with an intent of malice, but certainly with a selfishness and disregard for human decency which I cannot abide in any of my connections. So while it may seem petty, I owe them nothing. And friendships with them would serve no one. Can I forgive them? Yes. Does forgiving mean resuming? Not always.

I honestly don't know how to reconcile what caused me great pain with what now causes me great sorrow. Sorrow for the realization that time is fleeting and unpromised. My hometown and loved ones suffered great loss last week in the Orlando shooting, and it is a reminder that we should use our time to love as deeply as possible. I can forgive what people have done to me, but I can never forget. Does the inability to forget inhibit the ability to love?

So now I have to sit with the weight of what it means to love, and the question of whether choosing to love and respect myself enough not to entertain toxic connections is what love is also about.