Today, I had lunch with my oldest sister. It was a good day. We walked around downtown & enjoyed catching up. I've missed her a lot & I'm glad for what God is doing in my family, more & more every day.
Today, I also gave a reading of a rough draft of my latest poem. I recently visited a friend in the hospital & caught her coming out of surgery. It wasn't a terribly serious procedure, but just seeing my loved ones in pain or in illness breaks my heart. I had to pray for courage not to cry in front of her; to distract my instincts, I made lame jokes, my skin blushed, my voice was shaky. Soon after, I got in my car & cried. I prayed all the way home. And a month later, I started writing about the visit's affects...
Seeing friends in hospital beds brings tears to my eyes.
I no longer want to live as if that could never be me.
I want to live like a coma victim; they're probably better off spiritually than I am anyway- they're spiritually awake.
And no matter what science says, I don't think their bodies fail; I think they meet God & decide they're not ready to wake up. "Just a little longer, Dad."
I don't blame them for wanting to stay asleep.
I wouldn't blame you for wanting to sleep. I want to sleep, too, if it means waking up.
I want to live like a coma victim.
I want to wake up on the other side with, not a chincy glass vase with fertilized flowers, but an endless world full of flowers from God; not one flower saying "Get well", but a trillion flowers saying "Welcome home".
My thoughts are incomplete & unedited. To be continued...
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Learning to Fly... But I Ain't Got Wings.
Matthew 6:25-27
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, & the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, & yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
I recognize God in moments when I least expect it; more honestly, when he's completely out of mind. This scripture vividly caught me off-guard on Thursday & was brought to my attention again just hours ago. I gave my two weeks notice at my job two Mondays ago; I prayed for several months before the decision was clear, so I was not fearful of the future, but excited. Then, the owner of the company of which I was a part for more than 2.5 years decided to let me go with only a week's notice because he didn't want to pay me while training someone else to join the department. (As you might guess, I'm more than happy to be rid of a place that cares so little for the well-being of people... a customer service center, ironically.)
I've spent the entire week in slacks & pearls trying to hustle my way into the job market, which is foreign to me at this point since I barely remember the bitterness of unemployment. It felt nice to wear jeans again today, but even my own skin feels foreign now; I have let my identity become wrapped up in my worldly status; i.e. manager/ job-holder, student, artist, actress, poet, daughter, friend, sister, so on & so forth. And tonight made me really question myself as a human being. The sad answer: I'm not the person I know God desires for me to be. And no, I'm not as diligent as I know I should be in becoming that person. I listened so intently to God & engaged in his word daily when I was looking for a way out of that job, but the moment job-hunting headed the agenda, I was in DO mode; I'm a doer, I must do. I've been applying like crazy to any place with a door & a sign & a roof in hopes that someone will see how hard-working, loyal, & worthy I am & hire me. But no one has called back, & you know what? They're not going to. Because God isn't looking for how hard I can work- he already knows, & it isn't what he's looking for. I can work myself to death & never see the results I want because it isn't about the results I want & it isn't about how much I can do; it's about how faithful I am in engaging God every day & about how much I trust him to provide for me. Thursday, I stopped by my church, wearing my worn-out slacks & a tired face, & I stood outside, looked at the sky. I looked up at a light post & stared intently at the bird perched atop & listened quietly as God whispered this scripture into my tired, wearied heart. I shed a tear, stared at the bird for a minute more, & silently walked to my car. It isn't about anything I can do for myself, because I can't. I, on my own, am a failure. I, with God, can do anything. I think God is trying to show me in this season that I can't always do for myself. I can't always be the strong woman I want to think I am. I can't always do on my own. Sometimes, I need to accept people's help. Sometimes, I need to seek people's help. But all the time, I need to rely on God & seek him first, knowing that "33all these things will be given to you as well".
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, & the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, & yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
I recognize God in moments when I least expect it; more honestly, when he's completely out of mind. This scripture vividly caught me off-guard on Thursday & was brought to my attention again just hours ago. I gave my two weeks notice at my job two Mondays ago; I prayed for several months before the decision was clear, so I was not fearful of the future, but excited. Then, the owner of the company of which I was a part for more than 2.5 years decided to let me go with only a week's notice because he didn't want to pay me while training someone else to join the department. (As you might guess, I'm more than happy to be rid of a place that cares so little for the well-being of people... a customer service center, ironically.)
I've spent the entire week in slacks & pearls trying to hustle my way into the job market, which is foreign to me at this point since I barely remember the bitterness of unemployment. It felt nice to wear jeans again today, but even my own skin feels foreign now; I have let my identity become wrapped up in my worldly status; i.e. manager/ job-holder, student, artist, actress, poet, daughter, friend, sister, so on & so forth. And tonight made me really question myself as a human being. The sad answer: I'm not the person I know God desires for me to be. And no, I'm not as diligent as I know I should be in becoming that person. I listened so intently to God & engaged in his word daily when I was looking for a way out of that job, but the moment job-hunting headed the agenda, I was in DO mode; I'm a doer, I must do. I've been applying like crazy to any place with a door & a sign & a roof in hopes that someone will see how hard-working, loyal, & worthy I am & hire me. But no one has called back, & you know what? They're not going to. Because God isn't looking for how hard I can work- he already knows, & it isn't what he's looking for. I can work myself to death & never see the results I want because it isn't about the results I want & it isn't about how much I can do; it's about how faithful I am in engaging God every day & about how much I trust him to provide for me. Thursday, I stopped by my church, wearing my worn-out slacks & a tired face, & I stood outside, looked at the sky. I looked up at a light post & stared intently at the bird perched atop & listened quietly as God whispered this scripture into my tired, wearied heart. I shed a tear, stared at the bird for a minute more, & silently walked to my car. It isn't about anything I can do for myself, because I can't. I, on my own, am a failure. I, with God, can do anything. I think God is trying to show me in this season that I can't always do for myself. I can't always be the strong woman I want to think I am. I can't always do on my own. Sometimes, I need to accept people's help. Sometimes, I need to seek people's help. But all the time, I need to rely on God & seek him first, knowing that "33all these things will be given to you as well".
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