I am a student of life. An apt pupil, I was taught lessons from an early age; my mother taught me to sew, my dad taught me to make treasure out of trash. I was on course for self-sufficiency. My stepmother taught me different lessons, which I am still unlearning. She taught me lessons of the mind & heart; she taught me inadequacy. She taught me self-loathing. She taught me judgement. She did teach me how to shave, so... thanks, for that. Now, at roughly a quarter of a century old, I've earned a 2-year college degree, & as I am in the process of applying to the university for my bachelor's degree, I'm forced to pause & recount all the lessons I've received...
I've learned, recently, that loving others does not mean hurting myself.
I've learned that the head & heart must act together.
Sometimes, waiting can be liberating. And even freeing.
I've learned that prioritizing is a priority.
Spontaneity should not mean recklessness. Be smart.
There is no timeline for graduation, marriage, child-rearing, nor the end of days.
Patience is a virtue for a reason. That doesn't mean be stagnant in the meantime.
Love... don't be afraid of what you desire most. BE VULNERABLE. I regret far more the feelings I've repressed than the feelings I've confessed. I want to relearn love.
A close friend of mine recently made observations about the way I interacted with a man in whom I am interested. Apparently, I commonly make jokes about my future gay husband (who else understands my love for musicals?), I mention ex-boyfriends, I discuss attractive men. OH... NO... That's not good. I know I often use humor to mask my emotions, simply because I don't want things in social settings to become too intense (because I know I'm intense, let's not beat around the bush). Most of the time, making jokes & poking fun allows me to feel free & unfettered. But now it's become clear... I shackle myself with my words, & make myself unavailable by way of my own mouth. I'm afraid of getting hurt in love, nonetheless by someone I'm certain wouldn't ever hurt me. I can logically see these things now, rationally set aside the fear from the heart, but why, when presented with an opportunity to let someone get close to me, do I ramble off nonsense jokes in an attempt to keep safe? I DON'T WANT TO BE SAFE ANYMORE! I want to be loved! I want to share life with someone, & who can share life with a recluse? A cat... a dog... a memory. But not a person.
And what's more, the men whom I do let break through my walls are all wrong for me. I let in unworthy prospects, maybe because I feel like I'll be less disappointed if I can't open up & let them in, or maybe because they're immediately in pursuit, whereas the man I desire is more focused on God than on getting into my pants. And when presented with a godly man, I put up my guard... mostly for his sake because I feel unworthy of him. How dumb is that... the type of man I've asked from God for years is the one I don't let in. Really, all I want is someone to run with me & love the God I love & love people & make me laugh. No, I won't marry a gay boyfriend (my man will have to come to accept the musicals; however, I am NO ONE'S beard!). No, I'm not ready for a deep marriage-worthy relationship just yet, but there's healing ahead, & with time, I can see myself becoming the woman I know I'm designed to be. Free, & unafraid to love. Fully.
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