Last night, I dreamt of my ex of nearly five years. He'd come back into my life, and we were together again. No longer naive, I knew how to ask for what I wanted, and no longer self-loathing, he was open to give it to me.
It was strange, waking up and missing him. Missing him so much I googled him. Yep... still beautiful. I wanted to message him, tell him I love him and that I always have.
But I didn't do this. Because it wasn't reality. What I felt in my dreams was the desire to love beyond my previous capacity to love. I'm smarter now. More experienced. So I used my smarts to analyze the facts: that Christopher is not in the country, and to the best of my knowledge, he's still with the girl he started dating a couple years after me. This is reality. I do love him, and I always will, in my way. But awake and no longer lined in the silver haze of dreams, I remember him, really remember our life together, and know that he wasn't who I dreamt of last night; I dreamt of the man I want. A man who is passionate, open, and able. Not the man I will always love, in my way, but the man I have yet to love.
