Dream it's over

Last night, I dreamt of my ex of nearly five years. He'd come back into my life, and we were together again. No longer naive, I knew how to ask for what I wanted, and no longer self-loathing, he was open to give it to me.

It was strange, waking up and missing him. Missing him so much I googled him. Yep... still beautiful. I wanted to message him, tell him I love him and that I always have.

But I didn't do this. Because it wasn't reality. What I felt in my dreams was the desire to love beyond my previous capacity to love. I'm smarter now. More experienced. So I used my smarts to analyze the facts: that Christopher is not in the country, and to the best of my knowledge, he's still with the girl he started dating a couple years after me. This is reality. I do love him, and I always will, in my way. But awake and no longer lined in the silver haze of dreams, I remember him, really remember our life together, and know that he wasn't who I dreamt of last night; I dreamt of the man I want. A man who is passionate, open, and able. Not the man I will always love, in my way, but the man I have yet to love.

the roaring twenties

It is again worth reiterating: he's just not that into you. Sometimes I want to tell the strong me to be quiet and cling to the foolish hope that I can take a man at his word when he says "I've been busy", "I've been meaning to call you", etc.

False. I must agree with that place in me that roars like a lion and says "trust yourself". I deserve more than excuses. I deserve actions. I deserve honesty and bluntness. I deserve to be pursued. And no guy, no matter how great he may seem or how well we may click, is worth my time if he can't give me more than mere scraps of his. Again I roar "trust yourself". Trust the longing in you to be loved and don't allow (read: disallowance must be a decision) any counterfeit affection to steal your attention. A man worth your time will make the effort, he will call when he says he will. He will want to spend time with you, time getting to know you. And anyone offering anything less can peddle his secondhand heart and scraps of time at someone else's door. "We don't want any."

Again I roar, "trust yourself". Even when you'd rather be wrong.