I'm Still Here... and Now I'm Going There.

 "Good times and bum times, I've seen them all
And, my dear, I'm still here
Plush velvet sometimes
Sometimes just pretzels and beer, but I'm here"

-excerpt from "I'm Still Here" from "Follies" by Stephen Sondheim

Life has changed for me SO much in the past two months since my last post. I couldn't even imagine where to start, but I guess I'll do it somewhere near the beginning...

I had one of the hardest semesters of my life- between my three jobs (during the holiday season, mind you) and my seventeen credit hours, there were points when it felt nearly impossible. I stopped dating and had little time to spend with friends and loved ones. I had an emotional meltdown one day toward the end of October, absolutely petrified that I might not pass my music class this semester, but I am happy to say... I have finally completed my schooling. I am a college graduate. I am still waiting to get my graduation awarded, but it is approved, which means I should receive in the mail in the next few months the piece of paper it has taken me six years and thousands of dollars to earn. Is it worth it, to know what I know now, to be who I am, and to have grown in ways I perhaps could not have done without the trials of school? You fucking bet.

In the course of the semester, I also felt drained by my time at Macy's, so much so that I finally quit. After working HR for the company for almost four years, I became absolutely fed up and am more committed than ever to valuing myself and my happiness more than anything. My supervisor at Macy's was one of the worst and most unqualified managers I've ever had, and parting ways with her and the store at large has relieved a MASSIVE weight. I should have done this sooner.

Sadly, I was in a bad accident two weeks ago that totaled my car. The other driver took an illegal left turn in front of my car... she was too busy talking on her cell phone to pay attention. With this accident, which resulted in several injuries for me, I felt a new emotion: murderous rage. I have never wanted to hurt someone so much as I had wanted to hurt the woman who hurt me. I am still in the process of repairing my life since the accident in every way, and each day proves a challenge to me to be the bigger person and move forward while leaving behind the anger and the pain. I guess that could be considered a silver lining, and with the love and support of my amazing coworkers at the studio and my family, I am happy to say that the burden gets lighter every day. I know that with time, I will be able to forgive this woman, and it is my hope that she remembers me each and every time she gets into a vehicle. If there is any lesson out of this for her, I hope it reads loud and clear: STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE.

I honestly trust that life bears a design I cannot fully see, and I view the wreck as a catalyst to build me up, to bring to a head the decisive knowledge that the tides have turned and it's time to set sail. I have finished school unexpectedly, and now, there is nothing to hold me here. So, the time has come to say... I will be moving out of Florida in the Summer of 2014. The next several months will involve the tying of loose ends, the selling and donating of my things, and the search for a new existence. I am ready to become the woman, the entertainer, the artist that I was born to be. New things are coming in and old things are going out. THANK YOU FOR NEW SEASONS AND SECOND CHANCES! In spite of all the shit, I'm still here. And I'm going places!

"I've run the gamut, A to Z
Three cheers and dammit, C'est la vie
I got through all of last year, and I'm here
Lord knows, at least I was there, and I'm here
Look who's here, I'm still here"

I could no sooner choose a favorite star in the heavens

Since I was young, my dad taught me to be fascinated with the world. I was brought into the world by two scientists (i.e. nerds) who got me interested in science, exploring, and asking questions. When my mom died, my once happy familial connections died, as well. My siblings and I scattered emotionally, unable to grasp the love of two parents, not just one. It wasn't until I was in high school that my dad made any real attempts to be a father again. We had a long way to go in terms of healing our relationship, but we managed to bond over similar interests, such as Josh Groban's music, and astronomy. My dad has, to this day, only ever cried once over a gift, and that was the massive telescope my stepmother bought him one year for Christmas. It was like he had received all the answers to the universe's most perplexing questions in a fat, white tube that, through its lens, blasted him into the next galaxy. When we talked about the stars, he took me with him into that outer space.

Some of my fondest memories are of the early freezing mornings in autumn spent in the front yard with my dad, watching meteor showers through that white telescope. It was a little thing that brought two people who were light years apart together under the same sky. My dad would leave me notes about upcoming meteor showers, and just this week, he texted me about the annual Perseid meteor shower, which was supposed to happen last night. I walked outside and peered up at the sky, hoping for some glimpse of a fond memory to shoot through the blackness, but none came. I found the little dipper and Orion's belt, pet the black cat whom I've now claimed for my own, and walked back inside. I pulled up a live webcast of the sky, turned off the lights, and fell asleep beside the stars.

It is now quarter to 2, and I am perched outside on my front stoop, drinking a hard cider, breathing in the aroma of a burning citronella candle, petting the cat, and writing this post while stealing glimpses of the sky. I imagine that each star, blinking faintly at me through the city's muggy gray darkness, peers down at me like a proud parent, sending me light and love and marveling at how much I've grown.

I'd like to look at the stars with my dad again. For old time's sake, I'd like to peer through the lens on a cold night, breathe in the chill in the air, and send light and love back to the stars that brought me closer to my long lost father.

 Me and my dad, 4 or 5 years ago

 

Me and my dad, back when I had a Ninja Turtles camera :)

it's only in your head you feel left out and looked down on.

Love ain't here and I keep trying to fill that loveless space up with a lot of things that aren't love. And it feels like everyone around me is falling in love, starting families, growing closer to God, & just putting it all together. I'm happy for my loved ones, but I'm wondering when I'll be ready to let go. When am I gonna give up the search and just get back to following my bliss? I was so satisfied being on my own for so long and then this year began and it's like, what the hell happened? Who's this imposter in my place? I'm not even ready for love. I wouldn't know what to do with my soulmate if he showed up today. I wouldn't know how to recognize the real thing. They've all told me it comes when you least expect it/aren't looking for it.... so to put a head to it... if I want love, I better get cozy with the idea that I may never get it, and I better get busy with loving life solo, maybe even enough for two people. So... here goes...