I'm Still Here... and Now I'm Going There.

 "Good times and bum times, I've seen them all
And, my dear, I'm still here
Plush velvet sometimes
Sometimes just pretzels and beer, but I'm here"

-excerpt from "I'm Still Here" from "Follies" by Stephen Sondheim

Life has changed for me SO much in the past two months since my last post. I couldn't even imagine where to start, but I guess I'll do it somewhere near the beginning...

I had one of the hardest semesters of my life- between my three jobs (during the holiday season, mind you) and my seventeen credit hours, there were points when it felt nearly impossible. I stopped dating and had little time to spend with friends and loved ones. I had an emotional meltdown one day toward the end of October, absolutely petrified that I might not pass my music class this semester, but I am happy to say... I have finally completed my schooling. I am a college graduate. I am still waiting to get my graduation awarded, but it is approved, which means I should receive in the mail in the next few months the piece of paper it has taken me six years and thousands of dollars to earn. Is it worth it, to know what I know now, to be who I am, and to have grown in ways I perhaps could not have done without the trials of school? You fucking bet.

In the course of the semester, I also felt drained by my time at Macy's, so much so that I finally quit. After working HR for the company for almost four years, I became absolutely fed up and am more committed than ever to valuing myself and my happiness more than anything. My supervisor at Macy's was one of the worst and most unqualified managers I've ever had, and parting ways with her and the store at large has relieved a MASSIVE weight. I should have done this sooner.

Sadly, I was in a bad accident two weeks ago that totaled my car. The other driver took an illegal left turn in front of my car... she was too busy talking on her cell phone to pay attention. With this accident, which resulted in several injuries for me, I felt a new emotion: murderous rage. I have never wanted to hurt someone so much as I had wanted to hurt the woman who hurt me. I am still in the process of repairing my life since the accident in every way, and each day proves a challenge to me to be the bigger person and move forward while leaving behind the anger and the pain. I guess that could be considered a silver lining, and with the love and support of my amazing coworkers at the studio and my family, I am happy to say that the burden gets lighter every day. I know that with time, I will be able to forgive this woman, and it is my hope that she remembers me each and every time she gets into a vehicle. If there is any lesson out of this for her, I hope it reads loud and clear: STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE.

I honestly trust that life bears a design I cannot fully see, and I view the wreck as a catalyst to build me up, to bring to a head the decisive knowledge that the tides have turned and it's time to set sail. I have finished school unexpectedly, and now, there is nothing to hold me here. So, the time has come to say... I will be moving out of Florida in the Summer of 2014. The next several months will involve the tying of loose ends, the selling and donating of my things, and the search for a new existence. I am ready to become the woman, the entertainer, the artist that I was born to be. New things are coming in and old things are going out. THANK YOU FOR NEW SEASONS AND SECOND CHANCES! In spite of all the shit, I'm still here. And I'm going places!

"I've run the gamut, A to Z
Three cheers and dammit, C'est la vie
I got through all of last year, and I'm here
Lord knows, at least I was there, and I'm here
Look who's here, I'm still here"

This bird is a farmer!

This summer marks the year I become who I will become. I can FEEL it in my bones. This is the year my life begins. I am on my own, READY, and coming of age. Last night, a friend asked me if I wanted to meditate to discover my spirit animal. I've always figured I was a bird, but I accepted his invitation. (As a comedian, I've learned- you take any opportunity because any experience can lend itself to new material). The exercise asked me to envision myself in a field, to represent my connection to the earth. Suddenly, an animal comes toward me and gives me a gift. Now, these are all things that come to me from my subconscious, so in its own way, this vision is entirely dependent upon my imagination and my willingness to employ it. The animal that approached me was a blue bird. Now, it didn't fly to me, it walked on long bird legs. And then, the gift it gave me... was a turd. Not bird poop, no. A turd. From another animal. I laughed during the exercise as my friend spoke because the exercise said "hold the gift to your chest, take several deep breaths, breathe it in". Most people get something spiritual or enlightened, like a stone, or a butterfly. But me? No. I want turds. I and the other spirit animal crowd laughed about this, and I went home for the night. My friend texted me at 2:00 AM to relay that "I thought I should point out... turds are fertilizer. They help things GROW". Solid point. So here I am, a grounded bird ready to fly, ready to grow. Ready to BECOME!

 

Do I look like I have any time to be sad? NOPE! Living and loving!

So where I am going? Ireland. I'm changing my life with each moment. Becoming happier, wiser, more excited about my beautiful life. I am happy to be free. And damn it if all the turds I've been given in my life aren't helping me to grow! Thank you for EVERYTHING!

How are YOU growing? How is your life changing? Are you fighting the current or are you letting life take you where you must go?

it's only in your head you feel left out and looked down on.

Love ain't here and I keep trying to fill that loveless space up with a lot of things that aren't love. And it feels like everyone around me is falling in love, starting families, growing closer to God, & just putting it all together. I'm happy for my loved ones, but I'm wondering when I'll be ready to let go. When am I gonna give up the search and just get back to following my bliss? I was so satisfied being on my own for so long and then this year began and it's like, what the hell happened? Who's this imposter in my place? I'm not even ready for love. I wouldn't know what to do with my soulmate if he showed up today. I wouldn't know how to recognize the real thing. They've all told me it comes when you least expect it/aren't looking for it.... so to put a head to it... if I want love, I better get cozy with the idea that I may never get it, and I better get busy with loving life solo, maybe even enough for two people. So... here goes...