Free thoughts in free verse

It was something you said.

It was the way you said it.

It was that you said it at all.

It was something you didn't say.

It was the way you didn't say it.

It was the way you walked away.

It was that in the moment after a slow, spine-tingling build, you let me drop, naked and covered in my own sweat and newfound shame for letting you have me without having all of me (even the bad bits, the misfits, the misplaced and misused good intentions).

It was in the moments that you sweet talked me into glorious submission, my mind set only on the thing in front of us because it was passion, it was rage, it was closeness, understanding, warmth. It was warmth.

It was the thought of being in someone's arms whose arms were in mine.

It was being in the moment and forgetting about all the moments that come after this.

It was the way we fought, quarreled like Street Fighters. You, Dhalsim, with the ability to stretch out your arms and push me away with a hard blow, and me, Blanka, with the ability to use my rage to hurt anyone who gets too close to hurt me. 

It was the way that despite our bitter and unexpected fighting, I wanted to get close and want still to be closer.

It's my inability to have just a taste and not eat the whole dish. I want your entire dish, even if it's a bit meatier than I'm accustomed to.

If I have any fault in my pursuit, it is not that I don't own my faults or that I can't account for them; it is that I want more from people than I know with what to do.

My defense to being hurt is to hurt. Even if I don't understand the fight, my dukes go up in a plea of self-preservation.

I don't want to hurt or be hurt anymore.

I'm tired from this battle.

The worst part is: nobody won.

It's the way that I don't know what to do next.

It's the way I'm drunk on your words, the promise of your touch, the warmth of your body and mine burning together in my bed.

It's the way that I never know if you'll be kind or aloof when we speak.

It's the way that you keep me at a distance that makes me want to run distances.

What does it take to break down the barriers?

What does it take to not only make amends, but to make them strong?

How do you strengthen what's been badly wounded? Can you? Can we? I want to, please.

I want you.

It's the way that I hate you, and the way that I don't. Not at all. Even when I do, it doesn't feel like I expect it to.

How can I make amends strongly with you?

I'm sorry. ❤️ 

Come back inside.

Kiss me on the head and it'll all be alright.

NYC Chapter 2: Moving into New Space(s)

Today begins a new chapter in my life, as I am moving to a new apartment with new people. I have spent the past year living with a couple (this is usually the part where everyone I've told knowingly says "Ohhhhhh..."), who is extremely poor at communicating and being civil, and is altogether uninterested in the comfort or feelings of others. Living with a couple has been a huge struggle because they unite and automatically feel validated in their union that everyone else is wrong and rude, and they create a unified force of negativity and divisiveness with which I just can't (and no longer have to!) deal. It's bittersweet because it also means I won't be living with my best friend, Greg, who also lives in this prison. He isn't ready to move yet, so this means we part ways for the time being.

What this also means: I am going to be living with two new girls, girls I don't really know, but hope to like. They are both in theatre (one girl is an actor, and the other is a costumer), so I feel like, having been around theatre types for most of my life, it seems like a really promising future. I just want to live in a home where the cohabitants actually cohabitate. I want to live with people who understand that me being alone in my room isn't antisocialism; it's restoration. It's me recharging so that I can be with others as my best self. It's hard to be an extrovert with a need for introversion because most people don't really understand it. They assume that if you're a talkative person, you must ALWAYS be that way; not so. I mentioned this to one of my new roommates, and she said she can actually relate, as she's this way, too (hooray!). So, all of this begins for me this afternoon. I have been moving micro loads of my things to the new apartment the past day, and have my BIG moving day scheduled for this afternoon. Again, it's bittersweet, and it's always tough to feel at home in new surroundings, but I've done it before, and I can do it again.

Aside from the new digs, I am at a point, having lived and worked in New York for one full year (today is my ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!), in which complacency in my career has become unacceptable. I can no longer go on a handful of auditions a year and be satisfied. I can no longer watch my friends receive their SAG and AEA cards and not be working toward those things for myself. I came here with a purpose. Now that I've given myself time to settle into the city and learn its rhythms, I can say that I am prepared to move forward into greater creative experiences.

I went to a WONDERFUL actor networking event last week with my friend Hillary, at which I met many exceptional artists, professionals, and a casting director. I was on such a high from the event that I suggested we go to the PIT for some improv fun (Hillary has an extensive background in improv, so she was totally down). We played for a bit that night, and I think I met a man who is destined to be very important to me... but that's another matter for another time. :) What that night also imparted to me was a voracious hunger to get back into improv. I took a step back from it this past season, choosing to focus more on promotional work, and possibly, to hide from improv. As a comedian with an extensive sketch comedy background, which has granted me the luxury of edits and rehearsals, improv has intimidated me. I've gotten on stage and fought the process, thinking my job was to get the laughs instead of building the relationships. So, what have I chosen to do about it? STOP RUNNING. I'm tired of running from my weaknesses and am instead EMBRACING THEM. Only in this embrace can I become comfortable enough to acknowledge them, work on them, and eliminate them. So, I've gone to the PIT three nights this week alone, and expect to keep this practice up several days a week until my fears become my joys. I want to be good at this, so it's time to strengthen the muscle. In going to see shows, to jam, and just be around creatives, I've opened up a lot and made many new friends. No more can I hide behind this veil of shyness that has prevented me from pursuing people and opportunities that I've wanted. I am squashing that fear right now. I want to be with people who are like-minded so that we can enrich each others' lives, creatively and otherwise.

To further prove how serious I am about making it happen, I bought a class beginning at the end of May. I met the instructor, who is the artistic director at the theatre, and registered for his class because his technique BLEW me away, and I know it will help me to find things in the scene to follow, connections to explore, ways to just exist in the moments and actually build something with my partner. And how wonderfully improv training can relate to real life: in what ways can I become a better human with improv training? I can be a better listener, I can be a better collaborator, I can be a diplomat, I can support my partners and loved ones, I can say YES and BUILD from there. It's a beautiful thing how art and life improve each other, quite a symbiotic relationship.

Well, that seems to be enough rambling, as I still have SO much sorting and packing to do. It will be a huge day leading me ever closer to an even bigger future. I cannot wait to begin. Blessings of love to you all, my friends and readers. Be well.

Amanda

 

How to get free

A friend sent me a snapchat this evening asking "How do I forgive when he never apologized?". It hurt to read the sentiments of my own heart from someone else's experience. How do so many of us end up hurt and scarred from unhealthy relationships? We acknowledge their destructive nature in our lives, but instead of feeling free from their clutches, we feel angry that we were hurt, bitter that we didn't win, depressed that someone else got the best of us. I don't want to not forgive because someone else isn't sorry. I don't want to not move forward because the memory of and resentment toward someone else is holding me back. Forgiveness isn't something we give to others because they deserve it; it is something we give because we deserve it. I am constantly learning and growing and realizing that I can more easily move forward the less baggage I carry. It's time to unload the burdens of other people's bad choices and mistreatments so that we can finally be free.

I Feel Better

I've got an elastic heart.

So after nine months of falling in love with what I thought was an awesome man, my heart was broken, and is only now on the mend. He just stopped talking to me. Literally. Just stopped calling, texting, and eventually stopped responding to calls and texts. How did this happen? I never bombarded him with contact, was never too clingy, never did anything I can imagine to push him away. But after being home for Christmas, apparently something changed. He sent me a text at midnight on New Year's Eve, and that was when he stopped contacting me. This was strange because Ross was always the one to reach out to me, usually once a day at least, and I thought we had a good thing going. It wasn't until the end of the third day that I reached out to him to see what was going on. He had begun moving out of his apartment and claimed he was just stressed and that he tends to shut down when he gets overwhelmed. But this behavior would continue for days, a week, almost two weeks. At that point, he had literally dodged me in every way possible, letting me know without even the decency of a conversation that he apparently didn't care for me anymore.

I was utterly shattered by this. This is a man I thought we never, ever hurt me. He was always incredibly tender with me, loving, and engaging. And here he turned so cold. Now, I'm just angry. He's moving on and still hasn't responded to any of the messages I had sent, not returned a single contact, letting me know he doesn't give a shit about me. I deserve better and will not tolerate nor settle for less; but it just baffles and hurts me when I think about it.

So what have I done to keep from thinking about it too much? GETTING SHIT DONE. I designed and ordered my business cards, I have edited and sent resumes, I have tried new beers, I went to a concert to see my favorite cellist, I have worked out, I went on an interview and effectively got a job. I've slept more than usual, but I don't cry anymore. I wasted all those tears the first two weeks of my new year. That's essentially 5% of my year that I spent in tears over some CHILD OF A MAN. That 5% will stay at 5%. No more. I am taking heartbreak and turning into MY TRIUMPH. I'm too smart, too talented, too important to waste my time chasing some idiot who dropped me like a hot potato. DONE. Moving on.

I'd really like to take my fitness to a new level this year. I have finally made the full transition into committed veganism, and it is the GREATEST! I feel so good, my body is becoming lean and strong, and I feel very ethically aligned. I'd am focusing on really building my body and creating a healthy environment.

I am also looking forward to work in the Bahamas at the end of this month. The hotel has THREE enormous pools, a beautiful gym, a yoga pavilion, and a rock climbing wall. Let's just say this: I'm gonna work my ass off, but I'm also excited to be going somewhere where I have to pack three bathing suits. It will be productive and make me money, but I also get to enjoy beautiful surroundings, new food, warm weather, and time with my friends. I always look forward to tournaments because they give me a moment's pause to step back and reevaluate everything. And it could not come at a better time.

All in all, this is just a post to kind of put my thoughts out there and get them out of my head. I am so grateful for the friends and loved ones who've been shoulders for me to cry on (literally and metaphorically) in the past few weeks, and I am so fortunate to have such good people in my life. I look forward to the rest of the new year, as it can only be up from here.

XOXO

And I might have thought that we were one.

"Elastic Heart"

And another one bites the dust
Oh why can I not conquer love?
And I might have thought that we were one
Wanted to fight this war without weapons

And I wanted it, I wanted it bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
Yeah, let's be clear, I'll trust no one

You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace

Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
'Cause I've got an elastic heart

I've got an elastic heart
Yeah, I've got an elastic heart

And I will stay up through the night
Let's be clear, won't close my eyes
And I know that I can survive
I'll walk through fire to save my life

And I want it, I want my life so bad
I'm doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It's hard to lose a chosen one

You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace

Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
'Cause I've got an elastic heart
[3x]

I've got an elastic heart

Deep Sadness

Unravel

Song by Björk

While you are away my heart comes undone
It slowly unravels in a ball of yarn
The devil collects it with a grin
Our love in a ball of yarn

He'll never return it
(When you come back)
(We'll have to make new love)

He'll never return it
(When you come back)
(We'll have to make new love)

While you are away, my heart comes undone
It slowly unravels in a ball of yarn
Devil collects it with a grin
Our love in a ball of yarn

He'll never return it
(When you come back)
(We'll have to make new love)

He'll never return it
(When you come back)
(We'll have to make new love)

He'll never return it
(When you come back)
(We'll have to make new love)
[Incomprehensible]

He'll never return it
(When you come back)
(We'll have to make new love)