I am a bird, even without a flock.

My friends had a baby today. One of my childhood best friends and his wife who became one of my best friends have produced a child. Other people around have been having babies and buying houses and getting married for years, and I say "good for you!" and send well wishes and go about my life without interruption. Today feels different. Baby Rose is beautiful. She's the perfect combination of both of my friends, and I can tell already that this is the beginning of a new kind of beauty for them both.

I wonder if I want that. I can't decide if I want the life that I long for instinctively. Does that even make sense? I want children and a husband, I suppose. But then I ask myself the hard questions: will these things interrupt my dreams? Derail my progress? Displace my passions? Will I be a good mother? Do I believe in marriage? It's as if I can see two split futures ahead of me, and I have to summon the will to choose just one. Can I be a good performer while being a mother? Do I even think I'd be able to shower a little human creature with motherly love? As a wife, could I be satisfied, or would I always wonder if the next best thing is around the corner? That is why I rarely go beyond a date. It is uncommon that a man comes along who incites in me more than a passing interest, or at least amusement. Is there even someone out there that could be the person with whom I could voluntarily choose to live? Why do we do that? How do we do that? How do we choose one person and say "you're it, for life"?

I guess I have to equate this to what I know of God. I know that God desires fidelity for me within our own relationship. Do we have it? No, not on my end. It's like I come home at the end of a day out in the streets, giving my attention to things other than God with joy and I look him in the eyes and say "I missed you". Did I miss you? Do I mean what I say? I know I love God without hesitation. I know I choose God for life, but am I good at it? I suppose I am learning little by little how to be better at loving him, so I suppose there is some comfort in knowing that with time, my heart can learn to say to one man "you". But where is this guy? Does he even exist? I feel like of all places, I won't find him here. People in this state are not as progressive as the man I desire. I will need a man who is strong in all ways. I can't even definitively put a point to who he must be because, quite simply, I do not know him yet. I know that much. We have not met. Will we meet in New York City? Will I be famous yet, or still emerging? I am constantly thinking that the further into my life I get without him, the more baggage we will each carry. Will all the baggage make it that much harder? Will we be too far gone to know how to love another? Or will the past have equipped us all the more, making it easier for us to love?

And then comes the kid question: do we want some? Do I want to create a human being? Do I want to be the landlord of a fetus that will occupy my space free-of-charge, and leave the place different than when it arrived? Do I want someone in the world who looks like me? Do I want someone to depend on me for the rest of its natural life? I work hard now to keep plants alive, and if the plant isn't doing well, I throw it out and plant something new. You can't do that with a person. And my life at this point is mine to mold. If I want to be out at all hours of the night, I am. I go where I want and do what I want. If I want to get in my car and just drive until I can't drive anymore, I have that option. With a child or with a husband, that doesn't fly. And that is why, at 25, I am happy to be free. I am not quite content because I still bring stupid mistakes upon myself (i.e. I am at a Denny's at 12:49 AM blogging and ordering tea I don't even need to drink because it's better than going home and washing my dishes or cleaning my studio). I am not exactly who I will be when I'm ready to change the answers to these questions, should I ever elect to do so, and that's the beautiful thing: if I have a husband or a mate for life, a family, a house, any of it!... I'll have chosen it freely; not because I feel some obligation to desire and possess these things, because in my observations, it is these things that possess you. Thank God that I have a lifetime to learn how to love him and make better decisions, even if that means my decisions differ from the norm. I am so ecstatic for my friends because their dreams are coming true. They said "I want these things!" and they're getting them, and they're good at them. And I couldn't be happier for them. But that is not my story.

I am Amanda. I am single. I am free. I am growing. And I am loving life without a flock.

I get it; don't worry about externals. true beauty is timeless.

Beauty is fleeting. The moment you look in the mirror and like something you see, look inside yourself and find something better because that's what will sustain you.

Shakespeare isn't a replacement for sincerity.

The other day at work, the regional vice president came through for a visit, which our store had been anticipating for the past week. Everyone from the district was shitting themselves and putting undue pressure on all of the associates to sell, sell, sell! The store manager approached me while I was speaking with another manager, for whom I was acting as a sounding board for how she'd address our guest upon introduction. The general manager pulled me aside and told me to greet and sell to every customer to make a good impression. She said to me "act well the part, for therein all the honor lies". She quoted Shakespeare to me, as if to help me better understand the objective of the visit: to fool the visitor with a masquerade of fake smiles and cheap cliches.

How is it that I have found more honor and legitimacy in actors and artists than in any other people of profession in the world? It's because we're real. A great actor doesn't fake it. A great actor IS it. BECOMES it. A great actor is genuine and sincere. And doesn't need to quote Shakespeare to get through a meeting with another human being.

Let's get back to basics. Let's get back to being real.

I want my life to really mean something. I want my life to be my greatest expression.

I'M IN!!!!!!!!!

WOW! The goodness spilling out of me everywhere is insane. Here's where things are right now:

-I am moving to a work location closer to home, AND getting a raise. :) So I'll finally be stable in one city, making a higher wage (and maybe getting more hours), and I'll be working with a team that I bonded with when I first joined the company, so they like me already and I like them. :) Finally, I'll be working with a team of colleagues instead of doing it all by myself in a separate location. GREAT!

-I have been accepted as a THEATRE MAJOR! Yes! The interview was terrifying. I felt like I gave the BATS coordinator a poor impression of me, saying "I want to be a successful actor whether I'm paid for it or if it's community." He said I was contradicting. What I MEANT to say is "I will do this even if I don't have two pennies to rub together, I will do this if I never see Broadway, I will do this until the day I die because there is NOTHING of this world that I want to do more than perform & express every day of my life what cannot be expressed otherwise. I will never stop until I see Broadway, so essentially, I cannot fail. But I want you to know that this art is my life." That's what I meant. And he must have seen that because he said "I'll give you your chance." He said yes!

He also told me "You have a character look that I see only getting better with age, which is a good thing because we (character actors) work longer." This is true. Most of my favorite and most revered actors are character actors: Carol Burnett, Lucille Ball, Molly Shannon, Jim Carrey, Jack Nichelson, Nathan Lane, Jack Black, Sarah Jessica Parker, and the list goes on and on! I guess I mistakenly assume that character actors are ugly or unattractive, but this notion is a faaaar cry from the truth. They have industry "flaws" that make them unique and give them the opportunity to play roles of great wit, profundity, and humor oftentimes; this is my lot in life, and I accept! It always hurts to hear that I'm not thought of as conventionally beautiful, but good to know that I'll have jobs for the rest of my life. :)

GOD IS GOOD. And I am absolutely ready to become.

This is it. Life or death, ride or die time. Not for my physical body, but for my soul. Patience, discipline, and strength and will must be cultivated in me. There can be no turning back. The Lord's strength is made perfect in my weakness, and he then gives me strength. It's ride or die time. No looking back. Only open road ahead. He's made it straight. And I'm ready.

Sometime, it'll all come together.

And then, we'll laugh and sing to God. And the summers won't be hot, though they'll never end. And the sun will never rise nor set, but lay in the sky shining eternally over a land of dreamers and lovers of life. The tears of mourning will dry up, and in their place will flow rivers of gladness from cups overfloweth with life-giving water. This is life everlasting.

I am so thirsty. God, fill my cup.