Today begins a new chapter in my life, as I am moving to a new apartment with new people. I have spent the past year living with a couple (this is usually the part where everyone I've told knowingly says "Ohhhhhh..."), who is extremely poor at communicating and being civil, and is altogether uninterested in the comfort or feelings of others. Living with a couple has been a huge struggle because they unite and automatically feel validated in their union that everyone else is wrong and rude, and they create a unified force of negativity and divisiveness with which I just can't (and no longer have to!) deal. It's bittersweet because it also means I won't be living with my best friend, Greg, who also lives in this prison. He isn't ready to move yet, so this means we part ways for the time being.
What this also means: I am going to be living with two new girls, girls I don't really know, but hope to like. They are both in theatre (one girl is an actor, and the other is a costumer), so I feel like, having been around theatre types for most of my life, it seems like a really promising future. I just want to live in a home where the cohabitants actually cohabitate. I want to live with people who understand that me being alone in my room isn't antisocialism; it's restoration. It's me recharging so that I can be with others as my best self. It's hard to be an extrovert with a need for introversion because most people don't really understand it. They assume that if you're a talkative person, you must ALWAYS be that way; not so. I mentioned this to one of my new roommates, and she said she can actually relate, as she's this way, too (hooray!). So, all of this begins for me this afternoon. I have been moving micro loads of my things to the new apartment the past day, and have my BIG moving day scheduled for this afternoon. Again, it's bittersweet, and it's always tough to feel at home in new surroundings, but I've done it before, and I can do it again.
Aside from the new digs, I am at a point, having lived and worked in New York for one full year (today is my ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!), in which complacency in my career has become unacceptable. I can no longer go on a handful of auditions a year and be satisfied. I can no longer watch my friends receive their SAG and AEA cards and not be working toward those things for myself. I came here with a purpose. Now that I've given myself time to settle into the city and learn its rhythms, I can say that I am prepared to move forward into greater creative experiences.
I went to a WONDERFUL actor networking event last week with my friend Hillary, at which I met many exceptional artists, professionals, and a casting director. I was on such a high from the event that I suggested we go to the PIT for some improv fun (Hillary has an extensive background in improv, so she was totally down). We played for a bit that night, and I think I met a man who is destined to be very important to me... but that's another matter for another time. :) What that night also imparted to me was a voracious hunger to get back into improv. I took a step back from it this past season, choosing to focus more on promotional work, and possibly, to hide from improv. As a comedian with an extensive sketch comedy background, which has granted me the luxury of edits and rehearsals, improv has intimidated me. I've gotten on stage and fought the process, thinking my job was to get the laughs instead of building the relationships. So, what have I chosen to do about it? STOP RUNNING. I'm tired of running from my weaknesses and am instead EMBRACING THEM. Only in this embrace can I become comfortable enough to acknowledge them, work on them, and eliminate them. So, I've gone to the PIT three nights this week alone, and expect to keep this practice up several days a week until my fears become my joys. I want to be good at this, so it's time to strengthen the muscle. In going to see shows, to jam, and just be around creatives, I've opened up a lot and made many new friends. No more can I hide behind this veil of shyness that has prevented me from pursuing people and opportunities that I've wanted. I am squashing that fear right now. I want to be with people who are like-minded so that we can enrich each others' lives, creatively and otherwise.
To further prove how serious I am about making it happen, I bought a class beginning at the end of May. I met the instructor, who is the artistic director at the theatre, and registered for his class because his technique BLEW me away, and I know it will help me to find things in the scene to follow, connections to explore, ways to just exist in the moments and actually build something with my partner. And how wonderfully improv training can relate to real life: in what ways can I become a better human with improv training? I can be a better listener, I can be a better collaborator, I can be a diplomat, I can support my partners and loved ones, I can say YES and BUILD from there. It's a beautiful thing how art and life improve each other, quite a symbiotic relationship.
Well, that seems to be enough rambling, as I still have SO much sorting and packing to do. It will be a huge day leading me ever closer to an even bigger future. I cannot wait to begin. Blessings of love to you all, my friends and readers. Be well.
Amanda
Friday, May 1, 2015
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
How to get free
A friend sent me a snapchat this evening asking "How do I forgive when he never apologized?". It hurt to read the sentiments of my own heart from someone else's experience. How do so many of us end up hurt and scarred from unhealthy relationships? We acknowledge their destructive nature in our lives, but instead of feeling free from their clutches, we feel angry that we were hurt, bitter that we didn't win, depressed that someone else got the best of us. I don't want to not forgive because someone else isn't sorry. I don't want to not move forward because the memory of and resentment toward someone else is holding me back. Forgiveness isn't something we give to others because they deserve it; it is something we give because we deserve it. I am constantly learning and growing and realizing that I can more easily move forward the less baggage I carry. It's time to unload the burdens of other people's bad choices and mistreatments so that we can finally be free.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
I've got an elastic heart.
So after nine months of falling in love with what I thought was an awesome man, my heart was broken, and is only now on the mend. He just stopped talking to me. Literally. Just stopped calling, texting, and eventually stopped responding to calls and texts. How did this happen? I never bombarded him with contact, was never too clingy, never did anything I can imagine to push him away. But after being home for Christmas, apparently something changed. He sent me a text at midnight on New Year's Eve, and that was when he stopped contacting me. This was strange because Ross was always the one to reach out to me, usually once a day at least, and I thought we had a good thing going. It wasn't until the end of the third day that I reached out to him to see what was going on. He had begun moving out of his apartment and claimed he was just stressed and that he tends to shut down when he gets overwhelmed. But this behavior would continue for days, a week, almost two weeks. At that point, he had literally dodged me in every way possible, letting me know without even the decency of a conversation that he apparently didn't care for me anymore.
I was utterly shattered by this. This is a man I thought we never, ever hurt me. He was always incredibly tender with me, loving, and engaging. And here he turned so cold. Now, I'm just angry. He's moving on and still hasn't responded to any of the messages I had sent, not returned a single contact, letting me know he doesn't give a shit about me. I deserve better and will not tolerate nor settle for less; but it just baffles and hurts me when I think about it.
So what have I done to keep from thinking about it too much? GETTING SHIT DONE. I designed and ordered my business cards, I have edited and sent resumes, I have tried new beers, I went to a concert to see my favorite cellist, I have worked out, I went on an interview and effectively got a job. I've slept more than usual, but I don't cry anymore. I wasted all those tears the first two weeks of my new year. That's essentially 5% of my year that I spent in tears over some CHILD OF A MAN. That 5% will stay at 5%. No more. I am taking heartbreak and turning into MY TRIUMPH. I'm too smart, too talented, too important to waste my time chasing some idiot who dropped me like a hot potato. DONE. Moving on.
I'd really like to take my fitness to a new level this year. I have finally made the full transition into committed veganism, and it is the GREATEST! I feel so good, my body is becoming lean and strong, and I feel very ethically aligned. I'd am focusing on really building my body and creating a healthy environment.
I am also looking forward to work in the Bahamas at the end of this month. The hotel has THREE enormous pools, a beautiful gym, a yoga pavilion, and a rock climbing wall. Let's just say this: I'm gonna work my ass off, but I'm also excited to be going somewhere where I have to pack three bathing suits. It will be productive and make me money, but I also get to enjoy beautiful surroundings, new food, warm weather, and time with my friends. I always look forward to tournaments because they give me a moment's pause to step back and reevaluate everything. And it could not come at a better time.
All in all, this is just a post to kind of put my thoughts out there and get them out of my head. I am so grateful for the friends and loved ones who've been shoulders for me to cry on (literally and metaphorically) in the past few weeks, and I am so fortunate to have such good people in my life. I look forward to the rest of the new year, as it can only be up from here.
XOXO
I was utterly shattered by this. This is a man I thought we never, ever hurt me. He was always incredibly tender with me, loving, and engaging. And here he turned so cold. Now, I'm just angry. He's moving on and still hasn't responded to any of the messages I had sent, not returned a single contact, letting me know he doesn't give a shit about me. I deserve better and will not tolerate nor settle for less; but it just baffles and hurts me when I think about it.
So what have I done to keep from thinking about it too much? GETTING SHIT DONE. I designed and ordered my business cards, I have edited and sent resumes, I have tried new beers, I went to a concert to see my favorite cellist, I have worked out, I went on an interview and effectively got a job. I've slept more than usual, but I don't cry anymore. I wasted all those tears the first two weeks of my new year. That's essentially 5% of my year that I spent in tears over some CHILD OF A MAN. That 5% will stay at 5%. No more. I am taking heartbreak and turning into MY TRIUMPH. I'm too smart, too talented, too important to waste my time chasing some idiot who dropped me like a hot potato. DONE. Moving on.
I'd really like to take my fitness to a new level this year. I have finally made the full transition into committed veganism, and it is the GREATEST! I feel so good, my body is becoming lean and strong, and I feel very ethically aligned. I'd am focusing on really building my body and creating a healthy environment.
I am also looking forward to work in the Bahamas at the end of this month. The hotel has THREE enormous pools, a beautiful gym, a yoga pavilion, and a rock climbing wall. Let's just say this: I'm gonna work my ass off, but I'm also excited to be going somewhere where I have to pack three bathing suits. It will be productive and make me money, but I also get to enjoy beautiful surroundings, new food, warm weather, and time with my friends. I always look forward to tournaments because they give me a moment's pause to step back and reevaluate everything. And it could not come at a better time.
All in all, this is just a post to kind of put my thoughts out there and get them out of my head. I am so grateful for the friends and loved ones who've been shoulders for me to cry on (literally and metaphorically) in the past few weeks, and I am so fortunate to have such good people in my life. I look forward to the rest of the new year, as it can only be up from here.
XOXO
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
And I might have thought that we were one.
"Elastic Heart"
And another one bites the dust
Oh why can I not conquer love?
And I might have thought that we were one
Wanted to fight this war without weapons
And I wanted it, I wanted it bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
Yeah, let's be clear, I'll trust no one
You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace
Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
'Cause I've got an elastic heart
I've got an elastic heart
Yeah, I've got an elastic heart
And I will stay up through the night
Let's be clear, won't close my eyes
And I know that I can survive
I'll walk through fire to save my life
And I want it, I want my life so bad
I'm doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It's hard to lose a chosen one
You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace
Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
'Cause I've got an elastic heart
[3x]
I've got an elastic heart
Friday, January 2, 2015
Deep Sadness
Unravel
Song by Björk
While you are away my heart comes undone
It slowly unravels in a ball of yarn
The devil collects it with a grin
Our love in a ball of yarn
It slowly unravels in a ball of yarn
The devil collects it with a grin
Our love in a ball of yarn
He'll never return it
(When you come back)
(We'll have to make new love)
(When you come back)
(We'll have to make new love)
He'll never return it
(When you come back)
(We'll have to make new love)
(When you come back)
(We'll have to make new love)
While you are away, my heart comes undone
It slowly unravels in a ball of yarn
Devil collects it with a grin
Our love in a ball of yarn
It slowly unravels in a ball of yarn
Devil collects it with a grin
Our love in a ball of yarn
He'll never return it
(When you come back)
(We'll have to make new love)
(When you come back)
(We'll have to make new love)
He'll never return it
(When you come back)
(We'll have to make new love)
(When you come back)
(We'll have to make new love)
He'll never return it
(When you come back)
(We'll have to make new love)
[Incomprehensible]
(When you come back)
(We'll have to make new love)
[Incomprehensible]
He'll never return it
(When you come back)
(We'll have to make new love)
(When you come back)
(We'll have to make new love)
Friday, November 28, 2014
A Season in New York
A foreword: I will not be editing this (stream of consciousness)...
I find myself in a strange and wonderful season of my life, and I'm referring to more than my first winter living in New York. :) I haven't written in many months because I've simply been living in the moments, good and bad. Here's a little of what I'm experiencing right now, what I'm looking forward to experiencing, and a little of what I've been through.
I am stuck in a lease with a couple (if you've never lived with a couple, BLESS YOU, IT'S ROUGH) that, while they're decent enough human beings, they are not my kind of people. They have turned out to be much less the people they said they were and have fallen into the couple rut of segregating their things in the apartment, not pulling their weight with cleaning, being standoffish, etc. I've been through this twice before, so SHAME ON ME for not trusting my instincts and forgoing a lease with them. Sometimes we have to learn lessons the hard way. Nonetheless, I am grateful to live in a beautiful apartment in New York City with my buddy Greg, who, though he is a total slobby rascal, is a good guy and altogether pleasant to live with 99% of the time. And we both love beer, so that works out. Overall, this hasn't been my ideal living situation, but May is coming up, and then Greg and I can go our separate ways or find a place together in an awesome Manhattan neighborhood (COME ON, UNION SQUARE, CHELSEA, EAST VILLAGE!).
I have not been auditioning much, I'm sad to say, but the frustration I feel with myself over this fact is fueling a fire. I left my loved ones for a reason, and I WILL NOT REST until I have the success I've always wanted. I'm finding that this will mean sacrificing everything. It means fewer creature comforts for artistic necessities. It means saying no to my wants if they don't serve my purpose. It means working hard when I'm tired. It means pounding on my craft every single day. And I'm at a point where I'm ready, willing, and able to do that.
I've been so looking forward to this December, when I fly home to my loved ones for a week! And it's fast approaching. My only regret is that as soon as it's here, it's so quickly gone. I will savor every moment, every laugh, every meal, every embrace. I have such high anticipation to see my nieces and nephew. I have found myself in a scrooge-y nature towards children for so many years. I could spend all day talking about why I don't care for kids, but lately, I could spend more time talking about the ways kids are so awesome. So many wonderful kids have found their ways into my heart and changed me. I still don't see myself wanting to be a mother because I know my life will not be fair to a child who deserves my love and attention, but I can certainly appreciate the kids I meet. Today was my first trip to the MOMA, and it was remarkable. One moment that will stay with me was in the Picasso corner of one of the galleries. I was appreciating a piece and turned around to see a little girl of maybe 9 sketching the painting into her sketch book. I must say, considering the cubist nature of the piece "Bather with Beach Ball", she was doing a fantastic job. She was so focused, so intent, and so INTERESTED in the works she saw. It excited me because kids, if we let them, are so smart, funny, clever, and happy. If we let them, if we NURTURE them, kids become great adults, and we all are better off. Today on the train, I offered my chair to an elderly man who was standing, and the look of shock and appreciation on his face was shocking to me. How many trains has he ridden with not one person giving him a seat? What happened to the world that we all became so self-involved, so selfish, that we forgot to take care of those who took care of us? I worry for the future sometimes, but for the wonderful friends in my life raising their children with love, compassion, and patience, THANK YOU (from me and from all of us in the future).
I've been working a lot, which is good and bad. It's good because it's helping me to pay the bills, but the more I work, the less time I have to work on my goals. I have more "free" time now than I have ever had in my entire life (full time jobs and full time school be damned!), but the more "free" my time is, the more I feel robbed when I waste it. So I am trying to find a happy balance between making my bread and making my dreams realities. History has shown me that I CANNOT FAIL! I have achieved every goal, no matter how wild, I've ever made, so I know that I must continue to dream big dreams and reach for those stars every day.
One of my biggest goals has been to get in shape. I didn't work out at all for over 6 months after the car accident, so that took a toll on my health in several ways. Not only do I have permanent neck and back pain, but I became physically weak. I became emotionally unsound, and in all ways, I suffered. As easy as it was and is to be angry, it doesn't serve me. So every day is a practice of forgiveness. I have to acknowledge the reality of what's happened, but I don't have to accept it. I don't have to take it. Thanks to the encouragement and coaching from my awesome roomie Greg, I enrolled at a gym, and I go! Often! I work out at least two days a week, sometimes 4 days a week, and it strengthens my body and my spirit. I work on my biceps a lot (I have always had twiggy limbs), and I'm finally starting to see results. I am able to do two pull-ups in a row. Prior to October, I had only done one pull-up in my life, and that was in 4th grade when I weighed 62 pounds. I am now an adult woman, able to support my own weight, able to move beyond obstacles, move beyond fear, move beyond hatred. Yes, my body will experience pain forever, and there's nothing I can do to make that untrue. But what I can do is fight like hell for justice, forgive every day, and move forward.
I've also embarked on a new dietary journey: veganism. I have flirted with veganism for the past 8 years I've been a vegetarian, going vegan for a week or two at a time. Finally, something has stuck with me. Wanting my body to heal itself and wanting to be good to the animals of the earth has finally given me the momentum I needed to commit to this way of life. It's been hard from time to time because I have found myself in places with limited to no vegan options (I'm looking at you, Mexico City!), but I don't throw in the towel because of a few slips. I just pick up where I left off and move forward.
I guess that's the moral of my entire season: move forward. I have never been the most beautiful, the most kind, the most fit, the most anything. But what I am finding is, the more I LOVE and TRUST myself and my choices, I am becoming the best ME I have ever been. And that is the best gift I've ever given myself. I'm so grateful for the lessons I've learned, and the progress I've made. I can only hope that the future holds more happiness and good health than I can contain so that I can share those blessings with others. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
I find myself in a strange and wonderful season of my life, and I'm referring to more than my first winter living in New York. :) I haven't written in many months because I've simply been living in the moments, good and bad. Here's a little of what I'm experiencing right now, what I'm looking forward to experiencing, and a little of what I've been through.
I am stuck in a lease with a couple (if you've never lived with a couple, BLESS YOU, IT'S ROUGH) that, while they're decent enough human beings, they are not my kind of people. They have turned out to be much less the people they said they were and have fallen into the couple rut of segregating their things in the apartment, not pulling their weight with cleaning, being standoffish, etc. I've been through this twice before, so SHAME ON ME for not trusting my instincts and forgoing a lease with them. Sometimes we have to learn lessons the hard way. Nonetheless, I am grateful to live in a beautiful apartment in New York City with my buddy Greg, who, though he is a total slobby rascal, is a good guy and altogether pleasant to live with 99% of the time. And we both love beer, so that works out. Overall, this hasn't been my ideal living situation, but May is coming up, and then Greg and I can go our separate ways or find a place together in an awesome Manhattan neighborhood (COME ON, UNION SQUARE, CHELSEA, EAST VILLAGE!).
I have not been auditioning much, I'm sad to say, but the frustration I feel with myself over this fact is fueling a fire. I left my loved ones for a reason, and I WILL NOT REST until I have the success I've always wanted. I'm finding that this will mean sacrificing everything. It means fewer creature comforts for artistic necessities. It means saying no to my wants if they don't serve my purpose. It means working hard when I'm tired. It means pounding on my craft every single day. And I'm at a point where I'm ready, willing, and able to do that.
I've been so looking forward to this December, when I fly home to my loved ones for a week! And it's fast approaching. My only regret is that as soon as it's here, it's so quickly gone. I will savor every moment, every laugh, every meal, every embrace. I have such high anticipation to see my nieces and nephew. I have found myself in a scrooge-y nature towards children for so many years. I could spend all day talking about why I don't care for kids, but lately, I could spend more time talking about the ways kids are so awesome. So many wonderful kids have found their ways into my heart and changed me. I still don't see myself wanting to be a mother because I know my life will not be fair to a child who deserves my love and attention, but I can certainly appreciate the kids I meet. Today was my first trip to the MOMA, and it was remarkable. One moment that will stay with me was in the Picasso corner of one of the galleries. I was appreciating a piece and turned around to see a little girl of maybe 9 sketching the painting into her sketch book. I must say, considering the cubist nature of the piece "Bather with Beach Ball", she was doing a fantastic job. She was so focused, so intent, and so INTERESTED in the works she saw. It excited me because kids, if we let them, are so smart, funny, clever, and happy. If we let them, if we NURTURE them, kids become great adults, and we all are better off. Today on the train, I offered my chair to an elderly man who was standing, and the look of shock and appreciation on his face was shocking to me. How many trains has he ridden with not one person giving him a seat? What happened to the world that we all became so self-involved, so selfish, that we forgot to take care of those who took care of us? I worry for the future sometimes, but for the wonderful friends in my life raising their children with love, compassion, and patience, THANK YOU (from me and from all of us in the future).
I've been working a lot, which is good and bad. It's good because it's helping me to pay the bills, but the more I work, the less time I have to work on my goals. I have more "free" time now than I have ever had in my entire life (full time jobs and full time school be damned!), but the more "free" my time is, the more I feel robbed when I waste it. So I am trying to find a happy balance between making my bread and making my dreams realities. History has shown me that I CANNOT FAIL! I have achieved every goal, no matter how wild, I've ever made, so I know that I must continue to dream big dreams and reach for those stars every day.
One of my biggest goals has been to get in shape. I didn't work out at all for over 6 months after the car accident, so that took a toll on my health in several ways. Not only do I have permanent neck and back pain, but I became physically weak. I became emotionally unsound, and in all ways, I suffered. As easy as it was and is to be angry, it doesn't serve me. So every day is a practice of forgiveness. I have to acknowledge the reality of what's happened, but I don't have to accept it. I don't have to take it. Thanks to the encouragement and coaching from my awesome roomie Greg, I enrolled at a gym, and I go! Often! I work out at least two days a week, sometimes 4 days a week, and it strengthens my body and my spirit. I work on my biceps a lot (I have always had twiggy limbs), and I'm finally starting to see results. I am able to do two pull-ups in a row. Prior to October, I had only done one pull-up in my life, and that was in 4th grade when I weighed 62 pounds. I am now an adult woman, able to support my own weight, able to move beyond obstacles, move beyond fear, move beyond hatred. Yes, my body will experience pain forever, and there's nothing I can do to make that untrue. But what I can do is fight like hell for justice, forgive every day, and move forward.
I've also embarked on a new dietary journey: veganism. I have flirted with veganism for the past 8 years I've been a vegetarian, going vegan for a week or two at a time. Finally, something has stuck with me. Wanting my body to heal itself and wanting to be good to the animals of the earth has finally given me the momentum I needed to commit to this way of life. It's been hard from time to time because I have found myself in places with limited to no vegan options (I'm looking at you, Mexico City!), but I don't throw in the towel because of a few slips. I just pick up where I left off and move forward.
I guess that's the moral of my entire season: move forward. I have never been the most beautiful, the most kind, the most fit, the most anything. But what I am finding is, the more I LOVE and TRUST myself and my choices, I am becoming the best ME I have ever been. And that is the best gift I've ever given myself. I'm so grateful for the lessons I've learned, and the progress I've made. I can only hope that the future holds more happiness and good health than I can contain so that I can share those blessings with others. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
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