When did I start relying more on others' visions for me than on my own? More than God's? Most of my friends are as lost as I am! So what seems like wisdom is self-inflation. "I've learned this great lesson, and it must be true for you." What appears to be logic from the outside can mean death to my dreams; they're enormous, I know, and what am I if not in relentless pursuit of the calling I can't ignore? Who knows my dreams better than I do? I've gone the route of reliable, sensible... but I feel nothing for it. No life. No passion. No fulfillment. So, our dreams are different. That doesn't make mine any less important, tangible, or attainable than yours. I believe in your dreams- you can succeed! And I will succeed! And I need you to believe that.

All I want is the wind in my hair, to face the fear, but not feel scared.

I am a student of life. An apt pupil, I was taught lessons from an early age; my mother taught me to sew, my dad taught me to make treasure out of trash. I was on course for self-sufficiency. My stepmother taught me different lessons, which I am still unlearning. She taught me lessons of the mind & heart; she taught me inadequacy. She taught me self-loathing. She taught me judgement. She did teach me how to shave, so... thanks, for that. Now, at roughly a quarter of a century old, I've earned a 2-year college degree, & as I am in the process of applying to the university for my bachelor's degree, I'm forced to pause & recount all the lessons I've received...

I've learned, recently, that loving others does not mean hurting myself.
I've learned that the head & heart must act together.
Sometimes, waiting can be liberating. And even freeing.
I've learned that prioritizing is a priority.
Spontaneity should not mean recklessness. Be smart.
There is no timeline for graduation, marriage, child-rearing, nor the end of days.
Patience is a virtue for a reason. That doesn't mean be stagnant in the meantime.
Love... don't be afraid of what you desire most. BE VULNERABLE. I regret far more the feelings I've repressed than the feelings I've confessed. I want to relearn love.



A close friend of mine recently made observations about the way I interacted with a man in whom I am interested. Apparently, I commonly make jokes about my future gay husband (who else understands my love for musicals?), I mention ex-boyfriends, I discuss attractive men. OH... NO... That's not good. I know I often use humor to mask my emotions, simply because I don't want things in social settings to become too intense (because I know I'm intense, let's not beat around the bush). Most of the time, making jokes & poking fun allows me to feel free & unfettered. But now it's become clear... I shackle myself with my words, & make myself unavailable by way of my own mouth. I'm afraid of getting hurt in love, nonetheless by someone I'm certain wouldn't ever hurt me. I can logically see these things now, rationally set aside the fear from the heart, but why, when presented with an opportunity to let someone get close to me, do I ramble off nonsense jokes in an attempt to keep safe? I DON'T WANT TO BE SAFE ANYMORE! I want to be loved! I want to share life with someone, & who can share life with a recluse? A cat... a dog... a memory. But not a person.

And what's more, the men whom I do let break through my walls are all wrong for me. I let in unworthy prospects, maybe because I feel like I'll be less disappointed if I can't open up & let them in, or maybe because they're immediately in pursuit, whereas the man I desire is more focused on God than on getting into my pants. And when presented with a godly man, I put up my guard... mostly for his sake because I feel unworthy of him. How dumb is that... the type of man I've asked from God for years is the one I don't let in. Really, all I want is someone to run with me & love the God I love & love people & make me laugh. No, I won't marry a gay boyfriend (my man will have to come to accept the musicals; however, I am NO ONE'S beard!). No, I'm not ready for a deep marriage-worthy relationship just yet, but there's healing ahead, & with time, I can see myself becoming the woman I know I'm designed to be. Free, & unafraid to love. Fully.

it's only in your head you feel left out and looked down on.

Love ain't here and I keep trying to fill that loveless space up with a lot of things that aren't love. And it feels like everyone around me is falling in love, starting families, growing closer to God, & just putting it all together. I'm happy for my loved ones, but I'm wondering when I'll be ready to let go. When am I gonna give up the search and just get back to following my bliss? I was so satisfied being on my own for so long and then this year began and it's like, what the hell happened? Who's this imposter in my place? I'm not even ready for love. I wouldn't know what to do with my soulmate if he showed up today. I wouldn't know how to recognize the real thing. They've all told me it comes when you least expect it/aren't looking for it.... so to put a head to it... if I want love, I better get cozy with the idea that I may never get it, and I better get busy with loving life solo, maybe even enough for two people. So... here goes...

Ouch.

My heart really hurts. :( This isn't what I wanted.

All I Want

If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it.

Smooth sailing comes to a wise captain.

Isn't it exciting?! The unexplored...


I wonder if that's what sea voyagers thought when they set sail:
"The wind is right, the sun is shining, the sea & its possibilities... vast! Oh, the things we'll see!"
And then, without warning, a terrible storm set in or a monster from the deep ravaged their vessels, & all that was left of their wide open, unexplored dreams... debris.


This is a warning to my heart. Don't sail dangerous waters. Some things are better left unexplored.