it's all going to change.

Right now, I am sitting in a coffee shop drinking cinnamon tea, listening to Little People in my headphones in an attempt to block out the open mic hip hop madness surrounding me. The hollows of my body vibrate with the bass lines, my ears catch the words "fuck" and "fuckin'" every few seconds. My friend Logan sits across from me reading on his tablet. Engrossed in our own tasks, we do not talk, but instead nod with the beat and carry on. There's energy here. The smell of coffee beans roasting is overwhelming. The table top hosts congealing rings of coffee from guests gone before me. I am wearing an over-sized sweater and cut-off jeans. My friend GA hugs me. The moment is electric, pulsing with the sadness and ecstasy of finality. Any moment now, I'll miss this. I'll realize that my purpose here at this place in time is coming to a close. It's going to pass, and I'll be somewhere else with new people. I'll have new adventures, and I'll have to grow.

the roaring twenties

It is again worth reiterating: he's just not that into you. Sometimes I want to tell the strong me to be quiet and cling to the foolish hope that I can take a man at his word when he says "I've been busy", "I've been meaning to call you", etc.

False. I must agree with that place in me that roars like a lion and says "trust yourself". I deserve more than excuses. I deserve actions. I deserve honesty and bluntness. I deserve to be pursued. And no guy, no matter how great he may seem or how well we may click, is worth my time if he can't give me more than mere scraps of his. Again I roar "trust yourself". Trust the longing in you to be loved and don't allow (read: disallowance must be a decision) any counterfeit affection to steal your attention. A man worth your time will make the effort, he will call when he says he will. He will want to spend time with you, time getting to know you. And anyone offering anything less can peddle his secondhand heart and scraps of time at someone else's door. "We don't want any."

Again I roar, "trust yourself". Even when you'd rather be wrong.

dreamer becomes a doer

Wow. A big change is coming. Something I've been waiting on for a long time is coming to pass. It will ensure my freedom for the next ten years. I'm done thinking about what everyone else wants. No more considering changing my dreams. The right mate will understand that what I do requires me to live in a large metropolitan city like New York or Chicago. It has to happen. I'll never forgive myself if I don't exceed my own potential. What do I want? To be a successful, respected performer and comedian. And that is my only focus. Any fun I find along the way will be recreational, not life-halting. Isn't there someone for me who can make room for my passions?

who knows what can happen?

Life has a funny way of working out sometimes, doesn't it? I'm in a good place right now: the semester has started, I'm healthy, I'm over the heartache of December, I'm happy, and I'm excited about the future. Oddly enough, something wonderful has caught my eye, and if it were to pan out, it could potentially mean my goals might be swept aside. I'm in one of those quandaries, in which I find myself frequently, of having to ask "which do I want more?". Since this new interest has not chosen me officially, I guess I get to keep moving forward on my own course without derailment.

a perfect fit

I'm sitting at work today before opening, not on the clock, just experiencing what it's like to sit with my own thoughts. I've been out of the house since 8 am (electrical work is being done on my apartment, so I needed to get out), and walked the avenue browsing shop windows and trying to stay occupied. I've never been bored before. Being newly single, I'm finding that getting to do whatever I want when I want to is a luxury I've taken for granted. If I'm honest with myself, I miss the companionship and the sex more than anything, more than I actually miss Randal. He was simply my supplier, the purveyor of goods I wanted. So, I'm shopping around. But I won't settle for a knockoff in love, no cheap thrills are in my cart. I want real, wholesome love and connection, and I'm not going to give up on love because this one unravelled. I'll find a love, and a man, to fit me better. We'll be a perfect fit.

restarting, starting now

I'm kicking myself for falling for this guy, but the truth is, I would have kicked myself if I didn't. I can't hide from the love I want just because I'm afraid of getting hurt, or that it won't last. We can never predict how love will work (or not); we have to take the leap and hope for the best. For me and for Randal, it was best that things didn't work out for us so that we can remain open for the right people and the right opportunities. As much as this has hurt, I'm glad I took the leap. Now, it's time to fly solo and enjoy the ride.

i didn't think it'd hurt this bad