Risks and Regrets

What I think about taking risks...

Take them. If you feel drawn to do something, do it. I have taken many risks in my life, some that have cost me dearly and some that have hurt me immeasurably. Some that have hurt others. But I've never regretted a risk more than the ones I didn't take.

I'm frustrated tonight looking back at all of the relationships and flings I've had over the years, feeling helpless that I couldn't make them work, yet feeling grateful that they didn't. Many of the men that I've dated or been involved with have proven immature in ways insurmountable: guys on the rebound, guys in a rut, guys with different geographic desires, guys afraid of commitment, guys too committed, guys who should be committed, and even a couple good guys that just weren't right for me. In all, the past several years have been extremely exhausting and educative. Do I regret any of these connections? None.

A friend of mine recently got out of a relationship and is uneasy about being single. I understand- once you know the comfort of someone's intimacy and love, it's hard to be without it. I took a risk in breaking things off with a man I really loved in order to grow- I was still a baby and needed to find out who I was and what I wanted for myself. And now that I know with total clarity who I am and what I want, it will be impossible for anyone willy nilly to play that role. I spent four years purposely not dating after that relationship, healing and concentrating on myself because I needed to be alright with only my own love, with only myself. Those years were crucial to my growth as a person, as a woman, and as a lover. I now know what I value in a partner, which has made me a better partner in turn. Did I regret the risk of being lonely? Not at all.

I took a risk in leaving my religious affiliation. I spent so many years being involved in a nondenominational church, and poured so much of my time and heart into an institution that doesn't value the ugly or raw parts of a person, that I had to separate from it in order to fully think on my own. To develop my own set of values and morals. To love people as they are, to celebrate people as they are, "ugliness" and all. I couldn't be the person I am without having left the church. Do I regret it? Never.

I took a risk in going back to school after years of stagnation in the working world. I was older than the majority of my peers, and often felt out of place. Some classes felt like a waste of time and money, some were extremely difficult, and all too often, I desperately and nearly threw in the towel. But I finally graduated and now have a very expensive piece of paper that screams "I finish what I start!". Do I regret going back to school? NO.

I took a risk in letting go of toxic but familiar friendships. So often, we find ourselves hanging around with the same people because we've grown to love them, even if they've shown that their presence means only death to the people we are and the dreams we carry. I learned that I have to surround myself with people who are positive and actively build themselves and others up. Do I regret cutting toxic bonds in order to become a better person? In no way.

I took a risk in moving to Orlando 5 years ago with no money and got a roommate I barely knew. I risked not being able to make ends meet. I risked so much, and have received so much. Do I regret moving to Orlando? I can't regret the place and people that became home.

When I was young and my family life was horrible, I promised myself that I'd move to Orlando, I'd have my own apartment in the heart of the city, and I'd be an actor. At 26, looking back at all these years of taking risks and being bold, I DON'T REGRET A DAMN THING. I am constantly becoming the person I desire to be, and I can proudly say that I am self-made. All of my successes and all of my obstacles can be attributed to my sense of daring and my ability to set and pursue lofty goals. I have achieved everything I've ever set out to do up to this point, which only leads me to conclude that all risk will bring a reward of its own. Sometimes the reward is simply in taking the risk. Whether the result is painful, pleasurable, or somewhere in between, all risk results in growth of character and opportunity. To that, my answer is always: YES.

Listen: Medicine by Daughter

Entropy claims everything in time. Appreciate now.

I'm leaving. Each conversation I have with loved ones here is punctuated by the knowledge that our time together here is finite. I will be gone in fewer than 6 months, in a new life, in a new state, with new loves and new dreams. I can describe these moments of realization as nothing more than bittersweet. Each time I visit Dandelion or Austin's, the thought occurs to me that this may be my last time stepping through these doors. How many more times will I walk in Leu Gardens? How many more times will I go to work at the studio? How many more hugs with my dad and sisters? How big will my nieces and nephew grow by the time I see them again? These are the bitter parts.

The sweetness exists in knowing that I'll find new cafes and new loved ones. Dare I say, I will even find love. I will have new jobs and I'll make new friends. I will learn new paths and find new gardens. I will be doing what I love in a city that loves what I do. Culture, art, and opportunity will be in my lap. These are the sweet parts.

I take the bitter and the sweet all in the same dish, hungry for it all. Each bite is delicious in its own right.

I'm so used to being overbooked and overloaded, overstimulated, so much so that invitations to events and time with friends became luxuries I could no longer afford. Now that school is done, a nuisance job is over, and my car was all but ripped from my hands, I am in a space with "free time". Time that I can freely say I'd like to spend with loved ones while I'm here. I was invited to spend a day with my old neighbors, a family that has grown and nurtured me over the years when my own was absent. The boy next door, Sean Paul, is coming home one last time with his fiance before they move to Germany, so I'm eager to meet her and to say goodbye.

I guess I can describe what I'm feeling as a fierce anxiousness to appreciate everything with a feeling of finality. I know that life won't stop here when I leave, but it will never be the same when I return to visit. Let me remember you all as you are. Nieces and nephew, stop growing so much; be small a while longer. Dad, stay young; I need you to be here forever. Sister, go be a doctor, but don't ever grow up; you're always a kid to me.

Love what and whom you have. That's all there is. There are no second helpings to this meal, and the leftovers never taste quite the same.

I'm Still Here... and Now I'm Going There.

 "Good times and bum times, I've seen them all
And, my dear, I'm still here
Plush velvet sometimes
Sometimes just pretzels and beer, but I'm here"

-excerpt from "I'm Still Here" from "Follies" by Stephen Sondheim

Life has changed for me SO much in the past two months since my last post. I couldn't even imagine where to start, but I guess I'll do it somewhere near the beginning...

I had one of the hardest semesters of my life- between my three jobs (during the holiday season, mind you) and my seventeen credit hours, there were points when it felt nearly impossible. I stopped dating and had little time to spend with friends and loved ones. I had an emotional meltdown one day toward the end of October, absolutely petrified that I might not pass my music class this semester, but I am happy to say... I have finally completed my schooling. I am a college graduate. I am still waiting to get my graduation awarded, but it is approved, which means I should receive in the mail in the next few months the piece of paper it has taken me six years and thousands of dollars to earn. Is it worth it, to know what I know now, to be who I am, and to have grown in ways I perhaps could not have done without the trials of school? You fucking bet.

In the course of the semester, I also felt drained by my time at Macy's, so much so that I finally quit. After working HR for the company for almost four years, I became absolutely fed up and am more committed than ever to valuing myself and my happiness more than anything. My supervisor at Macy's was one of the worst and most unqualified managers I've ever had, and parting ways with her and the store at large has relieved a MASSIVE weight. I should have done this sooner.

Sadly, I was in a bad accident two weeks ago that totaled my car. The other driver took an illegal left turn in front of my car... she was too busy talking on her cell phone to pay attention. With this accident, which resulted in several injuries for me, I felt a new emotion: murderous rage. I have never wanted to hurt someone so much as I had wanted to hurt the woman who hurt me. I am still in the process of repairing my life since the accident in every way, and each day proves a challenge to me to be the bigger person and move forward while leaving behind the anger and the pain. I guess that could be considered a silver lining, and with the love and support of my amazing coworkers at the studio and my family, I am happy to say that the burden gets lighter every day. I know that with time, I will be able to forgive this woman, and it is my hope that she remembers me each and every time she gets into a vehicle. If there is any lesson out of this for her, I hope it reads loud and clear: STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE.

I honestly trust that life bears a design I cannot fully see, and I view the wreck as a catalyst to build me up, to bring to a head the decisive knowledge that the tides have turned and it's time to set sail. I have finished school unexpectedly, and now, there is nothing to hold me here. So, the time has come to say... I will be moving out of Florida in the Summer of 2014. The next several months will involve the tying of loose ends, the selling and donating of my things, and the search for a new existence. I am ready to become the woman, the entertainer, the artist that I was born to be. New things are coming in and old things are going out. THANK YOU FOR NEW SEASONS AND SECOND CHANCES! In spite of all the shit, I'm still here. And I'm going places!

"I've run the gamut, A to Z
Three cheers and dammit, C'est la vie
I got through all of last year, and I'm here
Lord knows, at least I was there, and I'm here
Look who's here, I'm still here"

The Power of Discretion

The past month has been so jam-packed, I feel bad that I haven't had any time to keep up with everyone's blogs, let alone keep up with my own. Even as I type this, I have homework awaiting my attention. I would just like to mention that...

I turned down promotion at work. I want something more for myself. And I'm getting it. :)

That's all for today. As always, stay tuned, and stay real. Leave comments to let me know what's good in YOUR life right now. What decisions have you made recently that you are celebrating?

PERSISTENCE

Fall is a time for reflection and analysis on the many months passed: have I attained the goals I set for the year? Have I become a better person?

I sit here tonight overwhelmed by school and work and the deep-set desperate desire to be doing something I love. I'm starting to feel stir-crazy at my job. Even for the "time being", I feel like I deserve and should be doing something I enjoy. There's no guarantee for any future, so all I can do is push forward, work hard, and hope like mad.

I've learned with concrete understanding this year what my job as an actor actually is. We performers dream of being on a stage in front of packed house getting all the laughs or conjuring all the tears. We want to be effective and fulfilled, and we want it right now. But the art of being a performer is not so much the act of performing as it is the art persistence. So many of us, no matter how talented we are, will hear "no" more often than we'll hear yes. We will go through more self-analysis than perhaps anyone else in any other profession. Each "no" feels like a venomous slash at our dreams, a personal attack against us as artists, and we retreat to a place of self-doubt and sadness, even if momentary. But the true art of being a performer is persistence. It's learning that a "no" is an invitation to try again, to hold on, to be patient. Persistence is learning to say, in the most dignified way, "I'll be back, and I'll be better than ever".

School also relies on the fine art of persistence. So often I look at my present and think of how much more magical all would be if not for this nuisance in my day. I want to just be doing what I love, not learning about doing what I love. But then I remember that part of my education is honing the invaluable quality of persistence. If my theatre degree holds any worth, it is this lesson alone that will go with me for life. PERSISTENCE. So many performers I admire, TALENTED people!, have been rejected, turned down, and otherwise brushed over for great opportunities, but they still show up on the radar because THEY PRACTICE THE ART OF PERSISTENCE. I want to hone that kind of staying power, stick-to-it-ness, as it were, and through that practice, finally be able to do great work on a larger scale. Check out this blog entry about actors who got passed over for roles on The Office:
http://twentytwowords.com/2013/08/06/famous-actors-who-didnt-get-the-parts-audition-for-the-office-in-2003/

That's all I've got in me for now. It's time to go to sleep and wake up ready to practice and persist in all areas until the time is right. Until then, I will stay positive and stay motivated.

"Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not: unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent."
- Calvin Coolidge

"One's best success comes after their greatest disappointments."
-Henry Ward Beecher

A Florida Summer

Saturday, I lived like a Floridian in Summer.
I went to the art museum with friends, wearing bike shorts and a cut tank.

We got caught in the rain with my rainbow umbrella.
I dried my saturated shoes with a blow dryer.

We took photos in a kaleidoscope and ate Vietnamese food. I ordered everything I wanted and took home leftovers.

Sunday, I worked like a Floridian in Summer.
I met up with a friend at the farmer's market and brought flowers to a vendor who lost a loved one.

We hugged (me, the vendor, and the friend).
We laughed.

I went to work on my day off, wearing bike shorts and a Dave Matthews Band T-shirt.
I ate my leftovers.

I brought home abandoned balloons. I let one loose.
It carried with it to the skies my hopes, my dreams, and my great love for the Summer that was.

It's time to let time move on.

Mood music: Vancouver Sleep Clinic - Vapour

A meal

Today was a good day to be alive.
It was love and nutrient rich.
Today, I was hungry.

I sniffed the scent out of all the roses
And walked with gravel beneath my feet.
Leaves between my fingers tickled even my soul.

I sweated out the impurities within my body
And my mind.
I breathed in fresh air and exhaled the old.

I felt the warmth of the constant sun on my skin
Its rays fed me vitamin D from a golden spoon.
I grew stronger with each glistening gulp.

Today was a good day to be alive.
It was love and nutrient rich.
Today, I ate well.